America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
Shake Ya Not-y

Better make sure you get a big enough cake to write, "Don't let the elevator door hit your bony ass on the way out," just in case circumstances should abruptly change. Yoanna strolls the streets of New York see-tay and just, y'know, happens upon a store which exists in the service of making delicious cakes and pastries. A Faterie, I believe such places are called in modeling lore. She tells us, "It's Sara's birthday, and I think it's sad, y'know, being away from your own home and not having a cake." Yoanna collects a bag with a big white box in it, and picks up the coffee she's bought while skimming off the top of Ken Mok's corporate card (because that's what you do when you pick up packages for the boss) and continues, "And plus, I wanted some cake, too!" She laughs like she's auditioning for a Revenge of the Nerds television adaptation taking place three hours after surgery for a deviated septum. A full-on gaffaw. Real ladylike, like. Back at the ZoLoft, Sara cuts the cake (she's twenty-three, for those fans of prime-number birthdays) and ruminates on the knotty nature of ironic reality show foreshadowing: "I don't think anybody wants this as badly as I do." Wow. She must really like cake.

Sometime Else That May Or May Not Be Later. Back in the kitchen of the ZoLoft, Yoanna sits with Shandi and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. Except, she just whispers. Reeeeally quietly. This must have happened some time ago, because the only reason I can guess she's saying this so quietly is because Catie is still on the show, and in her bedroom having a nap, a story, and a juice box. Because this isn't really a secret: "My dream is to be in indie European magazines, working with designers, working with people in fashion." Ssssssssssh! Be very quiet or mainstream Antarctic magazines will hear you, and they'll get jealous! What more does Yoanna want? After all, she already has her own place overlooking chic, tony Fashion Avenue! From where she tells us, "I want it so bad, so I'm gonna make sure that I put that out there in the universe." Anyone who knew as of exactly this moment that this episode was going to come down to a Yoanna/Sara cage match, raise your hand and into it I'll put a hearty high-five and a diploma from prestigious Recapping College, Brooklyn Campus.

Yoanna wants it badder than all the other girls want it bad, and she's longing to prove it...with passive-aggressive belligerence! In a car now, Yoanna grills April while Look-At-Me- I'm-Sandra-Shan-Dee looks on: "If you had a choice to be a model or an actress, what would you choose, like, right now?" April thinks hard about closing the little window divide between the back seat where she sits and the front seat that Yoanna occupies, but accidentally hits the "rationalize" button that lies right next to it, spitting out, "I view modeling as the base of acting." I'm sure the following modelesque beauties will be interested to learn this: Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Uta Hagen, Jason Robards, and the still spinning, catwalking corpse of Sir Lawrence Olivier. They all viewed modeling as the basis of acting as well. Modeling is the basis of acting. Just as haberdashery is the basis of politics and stained glass skill is the basis of world domination. Seriously. Just follow the logic. April confessionalizes, "I've been told by enough people that, yes, you can be a model," and I can totally understand how exhausting that must be. Back in the car, April fends off Yoanna's ever-morphing series of bemused smirks with the line "It's too early for me to say." Yoanna wonders aloud (I mean, not anywhere near April, but you've got to get it out, y'know?) whether April is really passionate about being America's Next Top Model, or if she's only interested in the rank opportunism of winning. She notes that, were April to win, Yoanna would be "devastated." When did April become the silver medalist in the Yoanna event at the Camille-lympics?

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America's Next Top Model




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