America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy

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Shake Ya Not-y

Tyra Mail! All we're told is that the girls are going to need "a lot of energy" today (good thing all of that logged lupus footage has already been resolved, am I right...whichever one of you girls had the two-episode case of lupus?), and we cut to them entering a dance studio and meeting a Tony Michaels, who we're told is "a choreographer." Well, then, Dancing Queen...let's do the starfuck again! "I've worked with J.Lo, I've worked with Céline Dion, I've worked with Prince. The list goes on and on." It does? Do you think later in the list, then, you might remember some of the actual dancers? What moves did you lay on Céline Dion, because I wasn't aware that the clenched fist, when moved from heart to air in a forty-five degree angle constituted a dance move. Got a name for it? The "French Twist," perhaps? No? Then how about the "French-Canadian Twist"? Better?

"Dancers and models, we have so much in common. Our bodies are instruments." Just like all those mambo-loving football players out there, whose bodies are also instruments. "Tih-dzay," Tony continues on, letting the excitement of his television appearance wreak havoc with the integrity of his street-sounding talk, "I'm here to teach you guys all about movement." Shandi frets that she doesn't have much formal dance training. Sara frets that she's had operations on her knee. Mercedes has nothing to say, because if you say the word "lupus" over and over again placing equal stress on both syllables, you can actually pound out a pretty sturdy 4/4 time signature for yourself. Ah, the diversity of lupus. Once it was a debilitating disease. Now it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

Tony asks each of the girls to step forward and "dance sexy." Sara gets in trouble for never looking up; Camille literally gets down on the floor and kicks it Jane Fonda Workout Tape-style; Yoanna seems pretty good but can't find the beat; and Shandi kicks ass in a way that makes Tony offer a "wow." And now they have to dance around Tony as if he's a male model, and Shandi kicks ass on that challenge as well. Tony tells us that the following day, the girls will be tested on their dancing ability, and then sets them free to Shandi's confessional: "No, I don't think of myself as sexy. I was repeatedly told, 'You're never gonna get married. You'll just be this old spinster with a bunch of cats.'" Hey! You leave half of my friends out of this.

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America's Next Top Model

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