America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy

Episode Report Card
Djb: B | Grade It Now!
Shake Ya Not-y

Shandi's drunken post-evening confessional slurs on with glee, "A Hummer limo!" Totally, totally amazing. Unless you've ever been within sixteen thousand miles of anywhere cars are made or driven. In which case they are just a hazard and a menace. They banter in the car about, seriously, god knows what. They make their way to a private back room of a chic restaurant, where RZA (right?) makes jokes about models' diets (good one! Did somebody say "guest-recap"?), which Shandi deems in her confessional as "silly. Silly silly silly." Wasted. Wasted wasted wasted. But, Shandi tells us, she "really hit it off with Kinetic," and we fall into a confessional featuring April and Sara, wearing these ghetto fab hats and looking utterly urban. Look! April found a culture! Anyway, they fill in some background noise that Shandi and Kinetic are the perfect couple. Back in the limo, Kinetic puts his arm around Shandi, and she tells us in a baby voice, "We cuddled! It was so sweeeet!" Or she could give up this life and go partake in some chaste movie-watching at the AMC down in Rolla. If her butt's in the seat, it's not in some rap star's hands, that's for sure.

Ty! Ra! Mail! Ty! Ra! Mail! Sound it out, Camille. Context clues. Context clues. If you can't pronounce it, maybe it's a schwa. And don't forget the elephant words! "Top models gotta do more than just pose and strut the runway/ So come on and SHAKE YA BODY my way." Now, in fairness to Camille, it's hard to commit to the scansion of the piece knowing it's just going to end rhyming "way" with "way." But on the other hand, the girl can't read.

Up and ready at 7 AM, Mercedes tells us in a confessional, "Wow, y'know, it just keeps getting better. This is great!" Her manic smile, I think, faded into sarcasm at whatever she was saying, but they decided to edit that out because...well, that's what any executive producer would want if she'd just sent you an invitation to her televised karaoke party. Onto a soundstage we walk, where we discover a perfectly awake Jay "'Cause I'm Your Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaady, And You Are My" Manuel, who would probably just sigh drolly and ask, "Darling, do I seem like someone who's even gone to bed yet?" I really don't know, Jay. Just stop calling me "darling." Jay tells them that we've learned a lot this week, and that one of those things we've learned this week is about more than just taking pictures. It's also about pimping your boss's new career. Let's learn more! "Today, you will be dancing in a music video. And the best part is the video is for the debut single from our very own...Tyra Banks!" Tyra steps up next to Jay, all, "Who, me? But I was just so happy to be nominated!" She's decked out in dark sunglasses and what I can only describe as une belle chapeau. When did everyone on this show suddenly go so street? Well, don't worry about Tyra, y'all. She sings! She models! She acts! She dances! She cures lupus! She mends diplomatic relationships between India and Pakistan! And if she runs off in a sudden hurry, don't you be offended...she's probably just doing a little quick community service on the side, helping to build a hizzy for some mad poor orphinz.

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America's Next Top Model




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