America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Dripping With Hypocrisy

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Shake Ya Not-y

"Everybody knows me as a model," Tyra tells us in a confessional that finds her waaaaaaaaay too close to me, against a blue background that looks like there's a hard-charging Lite Brite behind her with malicious intent, gaining ground every second. "But now I'm moving into the world of recording artist." She doesn't even seem to believe it when she says it, like she knows how much power she wields and finds it somewhat ridiculous. "And I'm nervous. I really am." Oh, Tyra. You're so naïve. Don't you know that the creative community at large is accepting of an artist who wants to try his or her hand at another pursuit? Why pigeon-hole yourself? You just put your mojo out there into the universe and I'm sure no one will ever make fun of your efforts no matter how bad it is. Now, will somebody PLEASE explain to me why I can't get Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" out of my head!

Singularly-named and singularly AWESOME (I'm just kidding. I have no idea who he is. But he thinks I should know, which is what's important to him) commercial video director Kennedy (not to be confused with dead presidents or Dead Kennedys) speeches the girls, "You ready for a long day? A real day? A real film shoot! Nowhere to hide!" Yes, Kennedy. Yes. You can spare them the diabolical speeches about shooting action sequences, because the girls are all well-fortified by the numerous bags of Rollitos they've consumed, seeing as they already shot action sequences on film last week. Mmmmm...Rollitos.

"Whatever happens, I was in Tyra's video," Sara celebrates while getting into costume. Well. Barely.

And...action! Okay, let's just take care of all this here, because I'm not recapping the video at the end. Whatever. Send your complaints to Mike Fleiss. Tyra is wearing a crotch-covering strip of black latex and a torn blue shirt, and she stands on a runway (geddit? GEDDIT?) singing as follows: "I don't want to take it slow/ Move your body, let me know/ Let me see ya lose control/ Leave it up to me to take control to love ya." ["I don't think she's talking about dancing, y'all." -- Wing Chun] And if this doesn't explain the music genre this song slots into, I don't know what does: I had it in my head until I went to sleep last night, and I then I couldn't remember it when I woke up this morning. It's one of those songs a friend and I call notsongs, because they just kind of thump along, insanely overproduced, but nothing ever really happens. See: "Miss Independent." See: "Cry Me a River." See also: "O-Town." That said, the bridge -- yes, it actually has a bridge -- is awesome. Oh, yes. And the version that I downloaded? I've listened to it sixteen times.

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America's Next Top Model

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