As expected, ANTM's season finale offers up its standard fare, with a Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot, elimination from three to two, and a final runway challenge, all in a non-action-packed hour. Though Nicole totally blows the commercial part of her challenge, it is Bre who gets the size 11 stiletto in the ass first, much to the relief of everyone with eyes and a soul. As the final two, Nik and Nicole are pretty much as boring as ever. They practice their fierce stomps in a Gharani Strok fashion show as the judges look on. Nicole really is fabulous, and the judges criticize Nik for being too bouncy, i.e. having actual breasts. As we look through their final portfolios, it is clear that they're both deserving finalists. Then, for a change of pace, the judges pick a winner who actually makes sense. Yes, get out your bug spray, the locusts are coming. Nicole is tall, pretty, photogenic, relatively young, and the newest America's Next Top Model. The victory seems to ensure that she'll finally step out of the shadow of the sister who has always been better than Nicole by proving that it is looks, and not brains or personality (both of which we've been assured she has none), that make a person a success. Good on you, Nicole. And in breaking news, Nicole's sister has just won Nobel Prizes for both Peace and Literature, discovered a cure for cancer, and signed a contract with Revlon. Back to the drawing board, bitch.
Previously: L.A. was full of blue skies and fast cars, and Tyra & co. culled thousands of applications down to thirteen unlucky finalists. The season, she tells us, was full of wild firsts. From implants (on the shoot that featured our beloved Janice Dickinson as photographer) to talking to plants (who could forget Lisa communing with her kindred spirit Cousin It?), and from walkouts (Cassandra snitting about her stupid hair) to fake-outs (non-elimination week). I don't know. I might have preferred bitches pouring beer on a weave, vagus nerve conditions, and impetigo. Nonetheless, we are down to three finalists: Nicole, Bre, and Nik. Who will be the winner? Will it be Nicole, the photogenic Osmond clone from Grand Forks, North Dakota? Will it be Bre, the unphotogenic rageaholic from Harlem? Or will it be Atlanta native Nik, who is photogenic but also so dull that I can't even think of a good descriptor? Let's watch and find out, shall we?
London, England. There are famous landmarks, there are girls jumping on beds. The girls are Bre and Nicole, who have apparently gotten over the granola kerfluffle of a few weeks back and are now celebrating being in the final three, or the fact that stupid-ass Jayla is gone, gone, gone. Or, maybe both. Bre proudly tells us that she has made ANTM history by being in the bottom two four times. It's good to have accomplishments, isn't it? We see brief footage of each, along with a clip of Tyra saying that she sees a little something special in Bre. Bre confessionalizes that she sees a little something special in herself, too. Good for her for resolutely hanging on to her illusions in this cruel, tough industry. Moving along, Nik interviews that the judges think she's a dud. Cut to Tyra telling Nik that she needs way more personality. Nik says that she thinks she has the personality to be ANTM, but needs to show that to Tyra. While she's at it, she should try showing it to the rest of the world, too, because she doesn't have much footage to back up that claim. Nonetheless...call me, Nik! Nicole interviews that it's great to be in the final three, but it's still not the same as being the winner. And, she tells us, she's going to be the winner. Oh, honey. It's such a bad idea to invite the backlash five minutes into the episode. Just wait your turn like Pigford and the Mohawk did.