America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is On The Cover

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Sister Sledgehammer

The girls return to find out their fate. Nik is the first girl called and lets out a big sigh. She thanks the entire panel. Bre and Nicole step forward to hear who gets sent to the losers' lounge. Tyra tells them that neither of them delivered in the Cover Girl commercial. One of them has done consistently well, while the other started weakly, but that her photos are now "burning beautifully and brightly." I guess we now know that when Tyra says, "I have one photo in my hand," she means that she has actually set the other one aflame. Tyra says, "The girl that will be joining Nik, and that will be a finalist..." There is a big pause, and Tyra starts to pull a photo from her hand, and then we cut to commercials. I think I actually screamed "BITCHES!" at the television when this happened. ["I know I did." -- Wing Chun]

And just when you are on the edge of your seat with suspense, we get Naima's boring-ass wrap up of her life as an alleged Cover Girl. She calls this time in her life "amazing," and does so with what I think is a subtle yet suitable sense of irony. She says that she learned what beauty is, and to her, that is loving herself. Dude, they totally let her write her own lines. I would say that's their first mistake, but then I remember all of their crap products. She says that Cover Girl is a home. A pasty, waxy, greasy home, but a home nonetheless. I mean, I don't know. Spend the extra $2 and upgrade to Revlon, is all I'm saying. Naima says that if she could do anything, it would be what she's doing right now. There is a slight pause, but just before you can interject, "Absolutely nothing?" she says, "Enjoying life. Being a Cover Girl." Oh, thank goodness we are done with these.

When we return, Tyra finally pulls the photo out of her hands. Nicole is the second finalist. She tears up. Tyra tells Nicole that she can't freeze in the final fashion show. While this is all going on, Bre takes off her high heels and puts on her glasses. And while some see this maneuver as symbolic of Bre being herself again, and some see it as a calculating ploy, I see it as an utter lack of dignity. Stomp out of there like you're -- dare I say it -- fierce! Stomp out of there like you're the second baddest bitch in America rather than the third! Don't give Twiggy the opportunity to call you Shorty Shorty Four-Eyes behind your back! Bre hugs Nik and Nicole and leaves, looking every bit not a model. She says she's disappointed that she didn't win, but that she's glad to have made it so far, and that she came a long way. She says, "They took this little black girl from Harlem and took her to London to model. She ain't never been out of the country." Oh, I can't help it. I do really like Bre. And sometimes I like her even better when she's all crazy and evil and shit. She says that life is full of disappointments, but that her path can only go up from here. She might want to take a look at some post-show photos of Season 4's Michelle making out with Jonny Fairplay on some random third-rate red carpet and then reassess that statement. Bre's photo fades from the group montage.

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America's Next Top Model




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