And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, presented in its entirety to make you giggle senselessly. Starring Jay Manuel and Elsa Benitez.
[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Small Orange Man: [with gusto, and apparently wearing a neck brace] Okay, Elsa, it's time to do a little undercover work.
Horsy Foreign Model: [punnily, even though she has only a rudimentary understanding of the language] Clue me in!
SOM: [matter-of-factly] Well, the first secret to concealers is, go for one that's just a shade lighter than your natural skin tone. Try this one!
HFM: [pleasurably] Oh! I love the way this glides right on.
SOM: [slyly, breaking into a wide grin] Use it under your eyes, around your nose, even on your eyelids to even them out. It's designed to hide a little, [with small guffaw] or a lot.
HFM: [hands on hips, incredulously] Hey!
SOM: [in an ass-kissing style that is quite familiar to him] As far as I'm concerned, you're perfect.
HFM [prominently displaying product] Well now I am.
You know, nothing is ever going to live up to the pinnacle that was "Smells like cupcakes." This is why Harper Lee never wrote another novel.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow you meet with the judges. Someone is going home. Toccara says that everyone is iffy about the panel, and that even though she was down during the week, she's going to be her fabulous self and give it all that she has. Eva calls herself a punk, and says that she feels like shit. She doesn't know if her pictures will reflect how upset she was. Ann is also nervous, because she's consistently so awful.
Panel. Usually we are introduced with a shot of Tyra in which she poses using the same concept as the models. Not this time, though. ["I refuse to work with that bitch. Her forehead makes me look much too diminutive." -- Harry T. Rantula] Tyra and her new, giant 'fro welcome the girls. It totally beats down Yaya's 'fro, because it is the biggest and baddest 'fro of all. It doesn't actually have a pick sticking out of it, but it totally could. Prizes. Judges. Tyra calls Janice "the first supermodel to exist ever on this planet," and Janice reiterates, "First!" Nigel and Nolé are there, of course, but no Empress Minnie. And the guest judge is Grimley, who looks worse than ever. Grimley administers the girls' test. They are given a choice of five hats and must build a wardrobe around one in fifteen minutes. Janice models the leather cap with her collagen implants (and other implants) on full display, and totally looks like she could be on the cover of the video "Slut Biker Hos in Lesbo-land." The hats are: biker, kente cloth, tiara, '40s veil and feather, and straw cowboy. While Grimley talks, Janice puts the cap on backwards. She has no attention span, or concept of where she is. The girls have fifteen minutes.