America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Panic Stricken

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Along Came A Spider

Previously on America's Next Top Model: some of New York's "Top Designers" (and we give those accolades liberally), including greasy dillwad Marc Bouwer, judged the girls during go-sees. This was problematic for Toccara, who was a bit too plus for the haute couture bus. Ann proved that she was more than a "pretty face" -- she's a pretty face who occasionally takes a decent photograph. And Cassie was sent home without much fanfare. Seven girls remain!

New York! The sky is blue and the grass, such as it is, is green. But wait, apparently it's night! Or maybe first thing in the morning. And what better way to end the day or begin the morning than by sitting in your silk kimono on your bed and talking out your worries with your fully-dressed mom? This is where the cameras just happened to come across Tyra and Mama Banks discussing the last elimination. Like, I am so sure. Tyra tells her mom that, after much deliberation among the judges, Cassie was sent home over full-figured Toccara. According to Tyra, this was very hard for Tyra, because Cassie confessed to her that she was bulimic, and Tyra "tried to get her help," which Cassie refused. I'm sorry, but Joy Bauer said that Cassie should talk to someone, Cassie refused, and no one said a word about it after that. Tyra -- who is on the verge of what I'm sure are totally real tears, given her face which is clearly genuinely concerned and not just outfitted in the "Up All Night Red" shade of eyeshadow -- didn't know what else she could do. Tyra's mom says it's not as if Tyra threw Cassie away, and that you can only do so much to help a person who is lost. Cassie needs to do some soul-searching and look within to find the strength to get the help that she needs, and also the strength to do her routine hanging from the trapeze that was just installed at the Foxy Lady where she works. And then we hear the vocals to "Shake Ya Body" which the drummer accidentally tripped, and Tyra does a hoedown and runs off of the set. That is how fake this moment is. And it totally happened three months after they were done shooting the show. And it's a wad of flaming poop.

Toccara interviews that at the last elimination, Nolé said that America wasn't ready to see a plus-sized top model. Toccara says that her mission is to break the norm and show that big girls can be high-fashion too. Eva prepares burritos for Ann and Norelle (which departs only slightly from Ann's usual taco lunch) and wonders how fattening it is. She gets a little excitable, and Ann says, "Oh stop it, not today, please." An argument over a burrito was exactly how Ellen and Anne's descent began, so I fear that this is a bad sign. Eva interviews that the other girls see her as loud and crazy, but that she has feelings and layers. And rest assured that one of those layers is a practical flannel. But in the competition, she acts tough because all of her guards are up. Ann says that the burritos are low in carbohydrates. A sulky Yaya replies, "Carbohydrates, schmarbohydrates." Ah, the eloquence that can only come with an Ivy League education! Yaya interviews that she comes "from a different place" than the other girls (at this we get a great shot of Ann belching) and that she's not getting swept up in the superficial world of modeling. Yeah, I totally got that when she was prancing around in her rack of designer dresses last week. And when she agreed to be on this show. Anyway, the subtext of this whole thing is that Yaya is educated and sophisticated, but the reality, of course, is that she's a snotty snit. She says to Ann, "Did you ever think that this low-carb fascination is...[eyes wide, patronizing tone, sounding like she's talking to a retarded child] a GIMMICK?" And again I totally agree with her, but it's all in the tone. Ann interviews that Yaya has a bitchy attitude and thinks she knows everything. For the record, Yaya also has some major shine and a shoebox diorama of the Appalachian Trail on the left side of her face.

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America's Next Top Model

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