America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Panic Stricken

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Along Came A Spider

Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you'll be draped in the finest silk in the world." The girls meet Jay, who tells them that they're doing another beauty shot, which is special because they'll also be wearing diamonds. Eva gets really excited about this and screams, "Yay!" Which is funny because everyone else is really subdued. The photographer is Bill Diodado. The girls get made up and talk about how fabulous the shoot will be. And then, Jay calls the girls together, and I notice that he is wearing a collar that is the approximate size of a neck brace. He says that since they don't want this to look like a "typical jewelry ad" (read: nice), they have someone else for the girls to pose with. Out walks a short, frumpy lady who is vaguely reminiscent of the fan club president who killed Selena; she has a tarantula on her hand. A shaken Eva asks, "Are we posing with her or the spider?" And I actually think it would be five hundred times more fun to watch them try to sell jewelry with Yolanda Saldivar's doppelganger in the shot. Jay tells the girls that the spider is very safe, but that they have EMS present just in case. And this brings me back to the five-step emergency rescue poster by the side of my pool in high school. "Are you OK? Are you OK? Call EMS!" I am curious as to whether people actually follow this protocol in real-life emergency situations, so I am hoping that something goes horribly awry. Again, put Yolanda Saldivar in the shot and the viewing audience wins. Eva hates spiders. She is not at all psyched. Commercials.

Eva reiterates that she's scared as Nicole coolly lets the tarantula walk all over her face. Nicole interviews, "Bad-ass Miss Eva couldn't handle it. You know, I don't think she's the toughest and baddest of us all; she's just the loudest." First, though Nicole takes a good photo, she regularly looks pretty fug in person. Second, it's not like Eva saw a daddy longlegs run across the floor and then fainted onto the divan whilst clutching her pearls. This is a huge, hairy tarantula walking on someone's face. I think it's an acceptable cause for mild terror. Jay says that Nicole was great to shoot, and that 50% of her frames were amazing, which is a good percentage for any model. In makeup, the girls joke about the spider and Ann notches up the bravado, saying that she's not scared. She interviews, "A stupid spider is not going to stop me from, like, pursuing my dream." That's because her dream is to be a lifeguard at the lesbian commune, which you know entails a good deal of "back to nature" nonsense. Eva asks if they can talk about something else, and Ann interviews, "Eva's, like, flipping out like a child who throws a fit. Hello, McFly! Like, stay focused." And, as many a forum poster has pointed out, Miss "Hold me, Mama, I'm afraid to fly!" had no business ragging on someone else's phobia. But the "McFly" bit was kind of funny. But all in all, Ann's just a jerk.

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America's Next Top Model

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