Most dramatic! Top Model! Ever! The girls are schooled in the art of traditional Thai dance. Joanie and Jade exchange words, and amidst all the hullabaloo no one seems to notice that Danielle has, like, totally passed out. While Danielle has a brief hospital stay for dehydration, exhaustion, and "a little bit of food poisoning," the rest of the girls must demonstrate their dancing skills in front of an audience and a few judges. Joanie finally wins a challenge, and Furonda continues to win the affections of the international community with her doofusery. The photo shoot for the week involves razors and elephants. Danielle pushes through the pain, Jade stiffens up (and continues her war on the English language), Furonda is gangly and awkward, Joanie comes up with some awesome moves, and Sara gets flak for poorly copying Joanie's awesome moves . At judging, the girls are forced to emote with their bodies, with hilarious results. The photos are actually all pretty good, but in the end it comes down to Furonda and Jade. And like the cockroaches who will survive the nuclear holocaust (but unlike Cher, who also will survive the nuclear holocaust but has the distinction of being awesome), Jade manages to last another week, while Furonda sashays and chantes into obscurity.
Previously: Danielle got her big old gap closed. Tyra and her drag queen doppelganger told the girls that they were going to Thailand, and taught us all a lesson about not having your female impersonator be skinnier than you. The theme of the first Thai photo shoot was "things that stink," and, unsurprisingly, the girls fit right in. And then, joy of joys, Nnenna was sent home, but not literally back to Africa, much to Brooke's chagrin.
We are in Bangkok, the land of fruits and vegetables and people swinging babies in makeshift hammocks. The girls hang out in their luxury hotel. Danielle says that her favorite quote, which she lives by, is, "What we do does not define us. What defines us is how we rise after falling." What about that old lady who yelled, "I've fallen and I can't get up," into her clapper or whatever it was? Does that count as "rising"? Furonda puts on makeup, and says that being in the bottom two, as she was last week, puts you in a vulnerable position, because the fact that you suck and are actually pretty unattractive is fresh in the judges' minds. I actually wouldn't give the judges' minds that much credit. Sara says that she has a lot of confidence in herself, but doesn't have confidence in her modeling, so until she can gain that confidence, she might have to fake it a bit. She says this as if she invented the concept, and, like, we know you went to Georgetown, but "fake it till you make it" has been around since the time of Confucius.
And then, something weird happens. Jade and Joanie are having breakfast, and Jade tells Joanie that she wishes Joanie well, and then wishes herself well. Joanie -- after living with Jade for several weeks -- is accustomed to hearing nonsense and mispronounced words and immediately tuning them out, and says, "Yeah, me too." And then Jade says that she could see Joanie being very demanding and a little "two-face-ed." Perhaps Jade is not actually an idiot, but prefers speaking in iambic pentameter? Except she doesn't actually know what iambic pentameter means, and just ends her words with "-ed" as a separate syllable occasionally, as in, "I'm pretty tir-ed, I think I'll go to b-ed." Joanie says that Jade isn't a good person on the inside. Seriously, if that chick that Ben Harper liked had diamonds on the inside, Jade has sewage. Joanie thinks that America's Next Top Model should be someone that others can talk and that others can look up to. Jade adds that Joanie isn't two-face-ed in a negative way, but that she has a mother instinct. O...kay. Jade (who has some serious dark roots) confessionalizes that Joanie doesn't strike her as a model, and if Joanie went to castings in New York, people would laugh at her. As opposed to what would happen if Jade went on a reality show in front of millions of viewers and showed the full extent of her I.Q. Also, way to ruin breakfast, asshole.