America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Special

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Ebony And Ivory

Janice tells Kahlen that she has no rhythm, and Nolé calls her a "saltine cracker dancer" because she's square and dry. Bebe says that she was strange to his eyes. I don't know why someone doesn't haul off and call her "Honky." Nigel says that Kahlen's photo isn't his favorite. She starts in on how she doesn't know how to be sexy, and Janice tells her to knock it off, and that she should cut loose and whore it up. I mean, that's the spirit of what she says. They look at Kahlen's worst picture, and Tyra says that Kahlen needed badly to have some extra frames. Which she had none of, so too bad.

Nigel says that Naima can dance, but she was hidden. That's what happens when you stand next to Keenyah. Tyra says that Naima was holding back, and Janice asks why. Naima says that she was concentrating, and Janice asks if she meant "concentrated" or "constipated." Tyra asks Naima if, as a dancer, she would have gotten a callback from that performance, and Naima says, "Not today." Naima's photo, however, is gorgeous according to all. Even her bad photo is good, and Tyra says that Naima didn't need the hundred shots she had because she did such a great job. Nigel says that based on her performance in person, he wouldn't have hired her, which is too bad because he would have missed out on such a great shot.

The judges deliberate. Kahlen's picture isn't the best she's taken, but she's still versatile. Brittany's photo is flawless but her personality is shrinking, according to Nigel. Janice gets outraged and yells that Brittany has more personality that anyone in the entire country, which arouses looks from Bebe and Mandela. Naima's photo is gorgeous, but the judges still don't know who she is. Nolé says that she's like a Fabergé egg -- "gorgeous and glittering on the outside, but the inside is empty...and she may crack." And as someone on the forums pointed out, Fabergé eggs totally aren't empty. Ass. Nolé says that Keenyah looks like a top model, and Janice says that she looks pudgy. Mandela says that, by African standards, Keenyah is skinny. Which means that Sally Struthers has been duping us all these years. Tyra says that Keenyah is skinny by African-American standards, too. Whatever gets you through the day, Tyra. Janice shakes her head in disbelief. Meanwhile, encouraged by the fact that he probably thinks she's skinny, too, Tyra flirts with Mandela.

Four girls return, but Tyra only has three photos. And these photos will be used in the most nonsensical elimination ceremony that I have ever seen. In a surprise move, Keenyah is called first. And at this the good citizens of the sovereign nation of Spoilerania decried their once beloved leader and would have driven her from the country with flames, were she not already banished by the Queen of Moderatiovakia. Tyra says that Keenyah's confident performance in front of the judges made them look past the extra "oomph" in her midsection. The next girl called is -- get ready for it -- Kahlen. Who was totally slammed for her performance in person as well as on the shoot. Tyra tells her to find the fire inside of her. That's it? What a rip-off. Naima and Brittany are the final two. Tyra says that the comments are not about their photos, but rather their hearts. She says that Brittany's fire and passion are slipping away, whereas Naima is kind of boring in general. Tyra wonders how Naima will relate to America. And not that the Cover Girl of the Week poll is an exact science or anything...but, I mean. Naima gets the photo, and Brittany is sent packing. It's all so wrong! Brittany hugs the girls goodbye and says "sorry" to Keenyah. She can't believe that her experience is over and says that she's going to miss the makeup, costumes, and photo shoots. We see her pictures, which are totally gorgeous. She says that she's going to miss Keenyah the most, and that the two of them are like sisters. Brittany is proud of herself for making it so far, but says it's sad to be so close and yet, so far. She exits, and her picture fades from the group shot. What a bunch of crap that was. Thanks to Tyra for reaffirming our suspicions that the judging secretly makes no sense at all.

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America's Next Top Model

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