America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Kissed The Roach

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Pretty Things

Tyra Mail! "Caution: Trains may collide. Who will have the leg up?" Everyone knows that this means runway. Mollie Sue says that she has to prove to the judges that she can do it. I don't think Mollie Sue is so much naturally boring as she is on some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety cocktail.

It is morning as the girls head to a studio where a little runway is set up. In short order, Miss J. Alexander emerges in a fierce long black lady's suit and struts for the rest of the bitches. We get a flashback montage of some of J.'s memorable moments and outfits, and it makes me miss the time when I really liked him. In retrospect, putting J. on the panel was a terrible mistake. He's so annoying and useless when you have to see him all the time. But maybe that's true of us all. J. wants to see what the girls have. I didn't know that crabs were visible to the naked eye. He notes that you need to "slinky ink" down the runway, or else you're going to "stinky stink." I feel like I'm watching Teletubbies.

J. sits in a director's chair and watches the girls' initial strut. Furonda's left arm swings wildly. Mollie Sue takes short, stompy steps. Leslie -- oy. J. just laughs at her outright, which is, in fact, an appropriate response. She has a concave lower back, which causes her butt to stick out something fierce. It looks really weird. Tuck in the tailbone, bitch! Nnenna isn't fiery enough. Sarah marches, and admits that she was a little nervous. Joanie has no sense of rhythm with the music. Gina needs to be stronger. J. interviews that Gina's confidence is at about 45% -- which, he helpfully adds, "is not a very large percent out of 100%." For the love of Pythagorus, don't ask him to try to convert this to a fraction. Danielle has plenty of fire. Jade doesn't. Kari notes that she has never done runway before, and that it's scary to have to do it for the first time in front of Miss J. She stumbles, and J. notes that she doesn't know how to give the attitude that is needed.

The girls each have to put on an evening dress and walk. Kari is first, and she stumbles again. She jokes that she's very graceful. J. notes that Jade is holding back and says that it seems like, with all of their recent criticism, the judges might have broken her spirit a little bit. Jade interviews that she was in a shell and needs to open up again. And what better way than by making romantic advances to one of her own kind. (But more on that later.) Mollie notes that she hasn't been particularly impressive in any of the competitions. J. says that she needs to connect with the audience in a more powerful way. Several girls appear to be fine, but not excellent, walkers. Brooke trips a little and has to pull up her dress, and J. tells her she almost looks crazy. "Almost"? Gina is slow and safe in what J. calls her "lemon cake dress." He says that he wanted her to serve them all a piece, but she didn't. Then, foreshadowing is all, "Look at me! Look at me!" as Danielle, who is in an admittedly tricky dress with asymmetrical trains in the front and the back, gets all caught up in her dress and trips something fierce. She says that it was almost a "bash your chin" step, but she manages to recover. THIS TIME.

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America's Next Top Model

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