America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Kissed The Roach

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Pretty Things

J. tells the girls that they have some work to do on their walks, but that their work shouldn't stop there. He says that they'll be judged on their runway performance, and that it may be sooner than they think. Oh. The suspense. Stop. I might be having heart palpitations. Zzzzzzzzzz. Danielle says that the pressure's on. It can make her or break her, and she doesn't want it to break her. As soon as she opens her mouth, it becomes apparent that, at some point, it broke her face. Commercials.

When we return, the girls have settled back in on Decapitation Drive. Danielle notes that she stank it up on the runway, and says that, in the competition, you're not supposed to have bad days. Danielle says that her mom is her battery. My mom is my fire alarm. The hell? Kari says that she'd like to meet Danielle's mom. Danielle says that her mom suffers from arthritis and has been sick as long as Danielle has been alive. To see her go through everyday life and not complain is an inspiration of strength to Danielle. Whatever. My mom has a goiter and I don't see her whining about it every day, either. It is only by remembering her plight that I can get through the recap each week.

Kari interviews that she loves being on Top Model, but is also homesick and misses the support from her family. She talks to her parents on the phone and cries a little. Okay, she cries a lot. Her parents sound totally nice. Kari interviews that even though the novelty of being on a stank reality show is fading, she needs to focus on going further. Focus, pocus, says I! I think I might be drunk or something.

Tyra Mail! Nnenna says that she can't pronounce what's on the card. And, in all fairness, it's actually hard, even for a person who does not want to be a model and therefore possesses basic literacy skills. It says, "Two words: gromphodorina portentosa." The girls puzzle about it until someone has a flash of brilliance and says, "Oh my God, it's Spain!" Yes, because how could Tyra not give the girls the opportunity to see the running of the chickens in the famous and fair port of Gromphdorina Portentosa, where the 1993 Olympics were also held. The girls scream and whoop for a while before realizing that they're idiots. Jade, as it happens, has a spell checker. It's "a-s-s-h-o-l-e." No "w." The spell checker indicates that the clue has something to do with gravy, trains, or both. The dog that I had growing up had a wicked bad overbite, and so we would always have to feed him gravy train that we let sit for a while and then stirred up. Delicious, I know. I hope there are lots of mushy yummy things in heaven, Pepper! Then the girls conjecture that "portentosa" has something to do with being portly. First the show makes them prosthetically bald, then it slaps on a fat ass. I like it.

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America's Next Top Model




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