America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Kissed The Roach

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Pretty Things

Tyra Mail! Someone is going home. Mollie Sue thinks it might be her. Kari says that she thinks she did well in her shoot. She interviews that Gina, who in another clip is actually braiding Kari's hair, is the one most of the girls would like to see go home. Kari admits that even she wouldn't mind seeing Gina, who is prone to freaking out, go home. Gina says that she's hanging on by the skin of her teeth. Maybe. But then again, that's a lot of skin. Commercials.

We return to a photo of Tyra dressed as the Old Lady Who Lived in a Jimmy Choo. I feel like those judging-intro Tyra photos should be all, "I'm a real model and I'm-a school yinz bitches," but they've been surprisingly mediocre lately, and oddly Photoshopped. She's totally losing it, which may be a consequence of developing such stellar talk-show-hosting skills. In any case, it's time for the third cut. There are prizes, there are judges. Jared Gold is the guest judge for the week.

And then, fun times. Tyra tells us that Vivienne Westwood is known for having Victorian-inspired fashion shows in which models must wear very uncomfortable and very high shoes. Tyra tells us that the shoes are so uncomfortable that one of the most famous fashion models in the world, a.k.a. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED, wore them. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED then fell to her booty, right on the runway, and the press had a field day with photos of SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED toppled. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED is also a giant bitch who ruined Tyra's runway career by being a nasty bitch in the bitchy throwing-the-phone-at-the-head way that SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED is famous for, and bitchily so. Or so I gather from the context clues. Tyra shows the girls the six-inch stripper shoes that the girls will have to wear in their runway judging challenge. There is no way that this is going to turn out well.

Kari walks first and almost falls and breaks her ankle. Change name, repeat. Actually, some of the girls do okay, but those shoes are seriously dangerous. They'd be a lawsuit waiting to happen if the girls didn't have to sign one of those insane liability waivers that reality shows are so fond of. Decapitated? Sorry, it was in the waiver. Brooke does okay. Jade stumbles a little. Nonetheless, I am ashamed to say that I really dig her outfit. She has great style, which is needed to mask her inner hideousness. Furonda is a riot in the heels. She is just so crazy-looking. Joanie really works it -- which, given the stripper shoe context, is no surprise. Danielle starts off strong, and then falls in a particularly ankle-bending way. She walks off the make shift runway, falls, and actually has to crawl backstage. Tyra says that it's the most nervewracking judging test they've ever done. I must admit that I didn't even find it funny in the slightest. ["God, me neither -- I was horrified but totally transfixed. That was some crazy shit right there." -- Wing Chun]

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America's Next Top Model

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