Well hello, friends! I don't know about you, but I am really happy to be spending one of the last Fridays of the summer watching the premiere of the "Tyra Went to Harvard" cycle of America's Next Top Model. I think they should just rename this whole shebang as, Oh My God, This Show Is Still On? But Why?. It is truly nothing to smize about!
Anyway, let us not delay getting right into the action, such as it is. So, it turns out that Tyra's BFF and chief professional and personal advisor is a dude with a beard in a wig, possibly named "Trig." I mean, this probably explains some things, right? We watch a video (it's already gotten 1,156,388 views!) of Tyra and bearded wig guy (Is that Zach Galifianakis? All bearded guys look the same to me. Maybe it's Ray LaMontagne or Iron and Wine?) talking about how Tyra wants a total H2T makeover (SHOULDN'T THAT BE A TY-OVER?) for Cycle 19. It pains me to tell you that Tyra is wearing a t-shirt that says "OMS" in part of the video. That stands for "Oh My Smize." I am not making this up. Anyway, Tyra and Zach Galifianakis in a wig brainstorm for a while before Tyra says that being on Cycle 19 makes her feel like her baby has grown up and gone to college. And then a metaphorical light bulb goes off above Tyra's head, and it is the energy efficient kind that leaks dangerous amounts of mercury into landfills and slowly poisons us all, causing varying amounts of brain damage. This will be a college cycle, and like everybody at home can like totally vote for like who should stay and like who should go home OMG TOTES AMAZEBALLS HOW ORIGINAL. Zach Galifianakis gives Tyra props for her big, fierce, Harvard ideas. I'm sure that's the only time we'll be reminded that Tyra fake-went to Harvard.
Tyra, in full fierce regalia, then clarifies for us that Top Model has been going long and strong for 18 cycles, but all that time fans have been clamoring to have a voice. I mean... sure? But I feel like I kind of resolve that by getting drunk and yelling at the TV. That is not enough for Tyra, though! She's making US the judge. Or one of the judges. Or something. But! That is not the only change on the show. Yes, that's right, Tyra fired basically everyone except for, inexplicably, Kelly Cutrone. So we'll still have her chemically imbalanced ass to deal with, yay. Taking on the role of hot British guy is an actually hot British guy who is likely not going to be as much of a creeper as Nigel was -- his name is Rob Evans, and he is fiiiiiiiine. That one might actually be an upgrade. And then there is "fashion's most powerful blogger," someone named Bryanboy. I'm sure he's very fashionable and very powerful, but I personally have never heard of him. But he'll be the voice of the people, or something. And then there's mega-stylist to the stars and the man behind Katy Perry's peppermint boobs, Johnny Wujek. He'll be the new Jay Manuel, with fewer frosted tips.