Oh Lord, and then there's Victoria. She is 18, and as she puts it, "I do Liberty University online." She's clearly getting a fantastic education, doing college like she does. Victoria, who wears an American flag t-shirt and red, white and blue hair bow in her interview footage, notes that her college experience isn't the traditional one. She still lives at home with her mom, who also home schooled her. They are burying the lede here, which is that Liberty University is the fundamentalist Christian college started by Jerry Fucking Falwell. Like, you can probably major in creationism and abortion clinic bomb engineering. Victoria tells us that she doesn't have a lot of friends, which is a HUGE shocker. I suspect she's going to be a living cautionary tale about many things.
Randomly, Taryn Manning is the DJ at this fake college party. Do you think she would count this as a highlight that ranks above starring in Crossroads with pre-meltdown Britney Spears? I don't. She instructs the crowd to put their hands together for the gorgeous Tyra Banks. And then Tyra emerges sporting the scraggliest weave of all time. All time! Clearly the hair and makeup crew were Team Jays and staged a walk-off, but only after dousing her with balsamic vinaigrette. Her roots are insane, and not in a good way. Tyra then introduces the judges, who "the blogs" have been blowing up about. You know someone is too old to be messing with this shit when they say "the blogs." As noted above, there's Kelly Cutrone, who has not yet been killed by British Louise; boxer turned sexiest model alive Rob Evans, who makes all the girls have to fan themselves; new Jay Manuel Johnny Wujek, who is so exciting that he turns Victoria Irish when she talks about him. Johnny talks about how he's going to mentor these girls, and it turns out he might be the voice-twin of Rosie Pope. Awesome. Then of course there's the fourth judge, us. I don't know that I'm ready to take on this awesome responsibility. Here are the details: all of the photo shoots will be posted online and scored by fans at home, and our vote will have equal weight to one judge's vote. Which I guess indicates that it's meaningless. I'm cool with that.