Well hello, friends! I don't know about you, but I am really happy to be spending one of the last Fridays of the summer watching the premiere of the "Tyra Went to Harvard" cycle of America's Next Top Model. I think they should just rename this whole shebang as, Oh My God, This Show Is Still On? But Why? It is truly nothing to smize about!
So, everything is madness. Tyra's best friend and main advisor is a bearded guy in a blonde wig, which makes a strange kind of sense and explains a lot. He helps her come to the decision that Cycle 19 needs to be blown up, and also have a college theme just to give an excuse to talk about how Tyra fake-went to Harvard. Kelly Cutrone somehow survived the judging panel massacre, so she is back, but everyone else is new. In the British guy role we have hot hot hot model Rob Evans, and Katy Perry stylist Johnny Wujek will be the new Jay Manuel. Fashion blogger Bryanboy doesn't actually show up, but will be the panel member who represents us, the American voters, who will get to weigh in every week and allegedly have a quarter of the say in who goes home. I would go full-on anti-suffrage if it meant that Andre Leon Talley could come back. Oh, and the prizes are different, too! No Cover Girl contract or Vogue Italia -- the girls are vying for a Nylon spread, L.A. Models and New York Model Management contracts, campaigns with Nine West and Smashbox Cosmetics, and $100,000 cash.
Thirty finalists from colleges and cosmetology schools around the country amass themselves at a location that is at least meant to look like a college. There are lots of revelers around, texting comments in this new high-tech environment! Have you ever seen anything so groundbreaking? Are we actually in the future? The finalists have a head-to-head walking challenge, and then each have a photo shoot. The results of the shoot are put up online so that anonymous haters from across the globe can say mean things about them. I'm sure this new element of the show is going to turn out to be VERY productive!
Individual interviews with the panel abound, and there are a few standouts amongst the crowd. Leila from Rhode Island (represent!) is quite possibly the most modelesque, with her somewhat awkward and ghostly gap-toothed look. Destiny and Kiara take the prize for really depressing background stories, determination to move forward with their lives, and innate loveliness. Laura is the daughter of a soap opera actor and a beauty queen who is trying to pass herself off as a small town girl, and Jessie is the adorable architecture grad student who has a donkey booty to die for. Oh, and Kristin is the Barbie-esque beeyotch. And then there's the real star of the show, Victoria, who has the distinction of being friendless, homeschooled, and a student at Jerry Falwell's own Liberty University online. She's basically just really, really socially retarded and doubtlessly will be torn to shreds in the model house and via online comments.
And the thirteen finalists are: Kristin, Nastasia, Laura, Allyssa, Destiny, Kiara, Leila, Darian, Maria, Jessie, Brittany, Yvonne, and of course Victoria. I love how they even pretended that they weren't going to let the crazy one in the house! Sad losers include Kaci with the recently dead grandma and the girl who insists on meowing like a kitty cat at all times. But who cares about them? The thirteen finalists move into their house and do a celebratory booty tooch while simultaneously renouncing learning, as the legacy of Tyra Banks continues.
Well hello, friends! I don't know about you, but I am really happy to be spending one of the last Fridays of the summer watching the premiere of the "Tyra Went to Harvard" cycle of America's Next Top Model. I think they should just rename this whole shebang as, Oh My God, This Show Is Still On? But Why?. It is truly nothing to smize about!
Anyway, let us not delay getting right into the action, such as it is. So, it turns out that Tyra's BFF and chief professional and personal advisor is a dude with a beard in a wig, possibly named "Trig." I mean, this probably explains some things, right? We watch a video (it's already gotten 1,156,388 views!) of Tyra and bearded wig guy (Is that Zach Galifianakis? All bearded guys look the same to me. Maybe it's Ray LaMontagne or Iron and Wine?) talking about how Tyra wants a total H2T makeover (SHOULDN'T THAT BE A TY-OVER?) for Cycle 19. It pains me to tell you that Tyra is wearing a t-shirt that says "OMS" in part of the video. That stands for "Oh My Smize." I am not making this up. Anyway, Tyra and Zach Galifianakis in a wig brainstorm for a while before Tyra says that being on Cycle 19 makes her feel like her baby has grown up and gone to college. And then a metaphorical light bulb goes off above Tyra's head, and it is the energy efficient kind that leaks dangerous amounts of mercury into landfills and slowly poisons us all, causing varying amounts of brain damage. This will be a college cycle, and like everybody at home can like totally vote for like who should stay and like who should go home OMG TOTES AMAZEBALLS HOW ORIGINAL. Zach Galifianakis gives Tyra props for her big, fierce, Harvard ideas. I'm sure that's the only time we'll be reminded that Tyra fake-went to Harvard.
Tyra, in full fierce regalia, then clarifies for us that Top Model has been going long and strong for 18 cycles, but all that time fans have been clamoring to have a voice. I mean... sure? But I feel like I kind of resolve that by getting drunk and yelling at the TV. That is not enough for Tyra, though! She's making US the judge. Or one of the judges. Or something. But! That is not the only change on the show. Yes, that's right, Tyra fired basically everyone except for, inexplicably, Kelly Cutrone. So we'll still have her chemically imbalanced ass to deal with, yay. Taking on the role of hot British guy is an actually hot British guy who is likely not going to be as much of a creeper as Nigel was -- his name is Rob Evans, and he is fiiiiiiiine. That one might actually be an upgrade. And then there is "fashion's most powerful blogger," someone named Bryanboy. I'm sure he's very fashionable and very powerful, but I personally have never heard of him. But he'll be the voice of the people, or something. And then there's mega-stylist to the stars and the man behind Katy Perry's peppermint boobs, Johnny Wujek. He'll be the new Jay Manuel, with fewer frosted tips.