Randomly, Taryn Manning is the DJ at this fake college party. Do you think she would count this as a highlight that ranks above starring in Crossroads with pre-meltdown Britney Spears? I don't. She instructs the crowd to put their hands together for the gorgeous Tyra Banks. And then Tyra emerges sporting the scraggliest weave of all time. All time! Clearly the hair and makeup crew were Team Jays and staged a walk-off, but only after dousing her with balsamic vinaigrette. Her roots are insane, and not in a good way. Tyra then introduces the judges, who "the blogs" have been blowing up about. You know someone is too old to be messing with this shit when they say "the blogs." As noted above, there's Kelly Cutrone, who has not yet been killed by British Louise; boxer turned sexiest model alive Rob Evans, who makes all the girls have to fan themselves; new Jay Manuel Johnny Wujek, who is so exciting that he turns Victoria Irish when she talks about him. Johnny talks about how he's going to mentor these girls, and it turns out he might be the voice-twin of Rosie Pope. Awesome. Then of course there's the fourth judge, us. I don't know that I'm ready to take on this awesome responsibility. Here are the details: all of the photo shoots will be posted online and scored by fans at home, and our vote will have equal weight to one judge's vote. Which I guess indicates that it's meaningless. I'm cool with that.
The final 30 strip down to their bikinis so they can have a motherfucking walk-off. Homeschooled, socially retarded Victoria walks against Kiara. Kiara throws shade by saying, "Liberty University... isn't that an online school?" OH KIARA, IT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT! Rob is impressed by Kiara, and maybe also wants to bone her. The next motherfucking walk-off features Kristin, 19, from Florida State College of Jacksonville, and Nastasia, also 19 and from East Stroudsburg University. Kristin, who is very blonde and pretty until she opens her stupid mouth, tells us that she used to be a mean girl, but maaaaybe isn't one anymore, except for the times that she is. Next up we have Jessie, 23 and adorably nerdy from the University of Southern California, and Allyssa, 20 from Florida State University. Allyssa seems to be not at all noteworthy and yet makes it to the final 13 (spoiler). I'm predicting she'll be the first booted. Jessie is a grad student, and says that although she's never modeled professionally, she's had offers at Trader Joe's. For this show, I think that counts. Also, she's got a major donkey booty that causes Kelly Cutrone to smile for the first time ever. Victory!