As the great Mr. Neil Diamond would say, hello, my friends, hello. It is time for another season of America's Next Top Model. And the show's writers still don't have health insurance. I'm just saying. If we get to episodes that have been written by filthy, filthy scabs, we might have to stop and assess the situation. But for now, let's go forth with these unpleasantries in the back of our minds as good, old-fashioned bitchery steps to the fore. Tally hos!
But first, a HUGE thank you and shout out goes to one Mr. LTG, who fielded an 11th hour request to write this episode recaplet for me. I was traveling in Mobile, Alabama, and as it turns out, Mobile has three (THREE!) CW stations, and the one in my hotel room was apparently dedicated to six-hour blocks of That '70s Show reruns. What's up with that, Mobile? In any case...it's time for the Top Model premiere!
HOUR THE FIRST
We begin, as usual (and, much like we middle and end) with Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. To be more specific, Tyra walking down the runway, Tyra in very large sunglasses, Tyra in many photos shot for ANTM, etc. Tyra voices over that being a supermodel has been one of the most amazing experiences of her life (would that it were the only experience of her life, and many crimes against entertainment had never occurred). She says that she has traveled all over the world, and modeled some of the hottest fashion designs. At this we end on Tyra dressed like a milkmaid who turns tricks at night in one of the Victoria's Secret fashion shows. But then again, don't we always. As we see clips of past contestants, Tyra tells us that she decided to pass the torch, like so many pox-infested blankets, and introduce some of the "freshest" and "most versatile" "beauties" to the industry that she "loves." She says, "And believe me, I know a top model when I see one." Then explain this. Thought we'd forget her if you left her out of the montage, did you Ty-Ty?
Tyra continues to lie that the Top Model finalists have "blasted" into success on the runway, in magazines, and on television. On "on television" we see a clip of Kim in Veronica Mars, which was totally a Season 5 challenge prize. This year, says Tyra, a scant thirty-three girls were selected from thousands of hopefuls, and the show's "experts" (Miss J., Mr. Jay, Nigel, and Twiggy) are going to be tougher than ever. They are also going to make it tougher than ever for us not to hate them, I am sure.