The new season opens with thirty-three young women arriving at LAX. (For those of you used to Potes and Janice Dickinson, "young women" means "bitches.") They are thrown into an instant photo shoot, and after having their breakfast ruined by the Aswirl Twins, they dive right into their interviews with Tyra and her J-licious cronies. Among the thirty-three are an Indian chick, a pair of twins, a girl abandoned by her mother when she was ten, another girl whose mother died on top of her in a plane crash (I know!), a mother of two with a husband in Iraq, and your usual assortment of beauty queens, strippers, Nubian princesses, and conservative preachers' daughters. A quick cut brings us down to twenty-one. The remaining contestants are given some hair extensions and makeup to apply to themselves in advance of their next photo shoot. The twist, which they learn only after they make their makeup and hair choices, is that it will be a nude photo shoot. A couple of them freak out, but they all pose in the end (although Ginger only sits for two shots). And then the next cut brings us down to thirteen. (And Ginger's not one of them -- you got naked for nothing, sister. I wonder how Jesus feels about that?) The second hour opens with the thirteen finalists being introduced to the designers of Elmer Ave. Thirteen male models strut their stuff, and the girls each have to pick a guy, strip him of his outfit, and make it her own. For most of them, that seems to mean leaving out the pants and walking the runway in their panties. A chick named Melrose is selected as the winner by the Elmer Ave guys, and then the contestants head out to the Top Model house in their ginormous planet-killing SUV. Monique becomes the girl who marks her territory when she pretends to pee on a bed in order to steal it from Eugena (as there are only eleven beds for thirteen contestants). And then we learn that while the girls are pretty (mostly), they're also pigs (mostly) as the house becomes an instant sty. The photo shoot involves the contestants depicting a variety of model stereotypes. Judging is pretty much the same as last season (with all the same judges, but slightly different prizes), and in the end it's the slightly boring Christian who gets sent home.
As the great Mr. Neil Diamond would say, hello, my friends, hello. It is time for another season of America's Next Top Model. And the show's writers still don't have health insurance. I'm just saying. If we get to episodes that have been written by filthy, filthy scabs, we might have to stop and assess the situation. But for now, let's go forth with these unpleasantries in the back of our minds as good, old-fashioned bitchery steps to the fore. Tally hos!
But first, a HUGE thank you and shout out goes to one Mr. LTG, who fielded an 11th hour request to write this episode recaplet for me. I was traveling in Mobile, Alabama, and as it turns out, Mobile has three (THREE!) CW stations, and the one in my hotel room was apparently dedicated to six-hour blocks of That '70s Show reruns. What's up with that, Mobile? In any case...it's time for the Top Model premiere!
HOUR THE FIRST
We begin, as usual (and, much like we middle and end) with Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. To be more specific, Tyra walking down the runway, Tyra in very large sunglasses, Tyra in many photos shot for ANTM, etc. Tyra voices over that being a supermodel has been one of the most amazing experiences of her life (would that it were the only experience of her life, and many crimes against entertainment had never occurred). She says that she has traveled all over the world, and modeled some of the hottest fashion designs. At this we end on Tyra dressed like a milkmaid who turns tricks at night in one of the Victoria's Secret fashion shows. But then again, don't we always. As we see clips of past contestants, Tyra tells us that she decided to pass the torch, like so many pox-infested blankets, and introduce some of the "freshest" and "most versatile" "beauties" to the industry that she "loves." She says, "And believe me, I know a top model when I see one." Then explain this. Thought we'd forget her if you left her out of the montage, did you Ty-Ty?
Tyra continues to lie that the Top Model finalists have "blasted" into success on the runway, in magazines, and on television. On "on television" we see a clip of Kim in Veronica Mars, which was totally a Season 5 challenge prize. This year, says Tyra, a scant thirty-three girls were selected from thousands of hopefuls, and the show's "experts" (Miss J., Mr. Jay, Nigel, and Twiggy) are going to be tougher than ever. They are also going to make it tougher than ever for us not to hate them, I am sure.