America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Marks Her Territory

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Potes: B | Grade It Now!
Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come

The Elmer Ave guys applaud, and then one of them gives the girls a very rock & roll, "Smashing!" Some of the girls were excellent, and some missed the mark a bit. But in the end, it is Melrose who wins. The other models fake-clap for her. The greasiest of the Elmer Ave guys says that she'll receive a great prize that will be revealed to her later. Melrose thinks she's the best, as usual.

The girls next go outside and discover a stretch Escalade limousine. It's bad enough that Top Model kills our brain cells. I don't know why it can't leave our precious flora and fauna alone. The girls squeal quite a bit when the enter the limo and see about forty pictures of Tyra, as well as other Top Model regalia. Christian says, "This is how Christian is supposed to be treated. Like a queen." Entitled and refers to herself in the third person! Smashing. The girls discover Tyra Mail amongst the gas guzzling. "We've all got issues. Step into my world to experience some of mine." Don't tell me their house is going to have a BBQ and cellulite and delusions of being Oprah room! The Tyra Mail ends with, "Your subscription has just arrived."

And, indeed, the girls are going to their Brentwood home. As has become increasingly typical, the house is amazing. Bitches. The house is also decked out with giant photos of Tyra on the cover of Tyra Magazine. Awww! Tyra has a fake magazine to go with her fake talk show! Brooke says that when she saw the giant photo of Tyra she thought, "Uh...I've made it." The editors cut her before she finishes with, "Into the first circle of hell." The girls squeal and scream and run through their pimped-out pad, which may or may not have bedding courtesy of either Target or Ikea. Jaeda says that there are pictures of Tyra everywhere, and Megan also notes that there's a Tyra Magazine theme throughout the whole house. This is, of course, just an excuse to show us all of the giant photos of Tyra.

Tyra voices over her "letter from the editor" that is posted on the wall. It goes a little something like this: "Welcome to Tyra, the magazine dedicated to all you aspiring divas, billboard beauties, and runway show stoppers who might need a tip or two now that you've got one stiletto in the door of the international fashion biz. I created this publication for the fashion muses of tomorrow who aren't afraid to go after their dreams today. Best of luck, and remember, readers -- if you have issues with an issue, don't just sit there. Tell me about it! In the confessional. XOXO, Tyra." What she doesn't voice over, but which you can see if you pause just right on the shot of the letter, is this chunk from the middle: "I am going to be offering advice on how to get swept up in the fabulous world of fashion without getting swept away by it. Whether it's a serious health-and-diet topic like, 'Starving Ain't Cute, So Don't Do It!' or a light-hearted lesson in 'Fashion Don'ts: Why Black Lipliner Is Not Your Friend,' I'll be here with you along this wild, glitter-drenched evil [that part might not be right, it's hard to see] ride that will end with one of you becoming America's Next Top Model." I think, "A wild, glitter-drenched evil ride" should be Top Model's new tag line. Some of the girls run out to the pool, where A.J. strips down to her underwear and jumps in. Wild, glitter-drenched, evil. Just like the letter said!

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America's Next Top Model




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