America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Marks Her Territory

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Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come

Meanwhile, there is Tyra Mail, which is now fashioned like one of those pull-out subscription cards from a magazine. Clever. Melrose discovers it and brings it out to the rest of the girls, who are in the hot tub. It reads, "People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug addicted bitches. Are YOU????" The funny part is that there's a big checkmarked box on the card that says, "YES!" Ha! I bet Janice Dickinson filled that one out. Melrose thinks that they're doing a shoot tomorrow. Anchal says that she knows she's not anorexic because she can't stop eating. You and me both, sister.

The next day, the girls head to a lovely house, out of which emerges a monster dressed as Tyra, or vice versa. Tyra screams in a French accent (?!?!) and asks where the photographer is, and who these young bitches are. I watched this part with my boss, who said, "Tyra Banks has no business trying to act." Tyra screams that she is the only supermodel in the world, and is almost thirty-five, and doesn't like young bitches." Christian conjectures that Tyra's gone off some meds. Maybe that explains the weight gain. Tyra runs around and screams some more, and frankly it's really embarrassing and uncomfortable to watch. What they should have done is just invited Janice to come, and not told her anything about the shoot or what she was supposed to do, and just let her interact with the girls. Or just showed some old footage of her. Tyra screams that she's leaving the set and isn't coming back until the prepubescent bitches are gone. And then the greatest thing happens and she totally trips and falls on her face. The girls all laugh, perhaps because they think it's part of the act, or perhaps just because it's funny when people fall. It would have been better if her wig flew off. Tyra screams her way off the set. Jesus.

Jay Manuel comes out in a blue, white, and orange jacket to restore order to the situation and tell the girls that that wasn't the real Tyra Banks. She was merely portraying the crazy diva model stereotype. Wow, but it seemed so real. Jay says that today they're going to do the most controversial shoot they've ever done on America's Next Top Model. Oh, my God, you guys...maybe they'll do something where they actually look...gasp!...pretty and have subtle styling? It's either that, or a very realistic depiction of the love between a young girl and her donkey. We'll find out after the commercials.

When we return, Jay says that they're going to be doing a shoot in which they each convey model stereotypes. I'm sure you read about the controversy that this shoot caused in the papers on Thursday. Thrill. Jay tells A.J. that she's going to be the "casting couch" model. Way to give that to the girl who got a sexually-contracted disease that caused her cervical cancer, asshole. Amanda will be anorexic, CariDee will be the dumb blonde, Brooke will be the backstabbing bitch, Christian will be a model-turned-actress, Eugena will be the black girl that the industry is trying to turn white, Megan will be the diva with a lapdog, Michelle will be bulimic, Jaeda is a plastic surgery victim, Megg is the drunk drug-addict, Anchal is the narcissist, and Monique is going to be throwing a cell phone at her assistant. What about the model who gained thirty pounds and retired only to become the worst talk show host the world has ever seen, Carnie Wilson excepted? Who's going to be that stereotype? And finally, fucking Melrose will be the model who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. She says, "You read me right, baby." Jay tells Melrose that, since she won the challenge, she will get to be a diva for the day. She'll get a personal assistant, a massage, and other pampering. She's psyched. The photographers for the day are Oliver Bronson and Dylan Don, who apparently just flew in from Europe.

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America's Next Top Model




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