The girls go up on some sort of roof deck, and proclaim how beautiful it is as they eat fruit and drink orange juice. And then who emerges but the fucking Aswirl Twins. Thankfully, they really do not get to say anything this time, but rather just serve as the opening act for one Miss Tyra Banks. They were chosen for their ability to make her look taller and thinner, I think. Tyra does that same turntable turn that she did in one of the judging challenges last season. Jesus, find some new material. At the completion of her turn, Tyra does some sort of gymnast-esque arm move that looks ridiculously hilarious. Unintentional ridiculous hilarity is something of a motif for Tyra. The girls are all screaming and crying as if it were 1984 and they just spotted Boy George. Which, judging by the size of that wig, they kind of have. Tyra says that meeting the girls is her favorite part of Top Model. Well, we knew it wasn't making a statement in support of your striking writers! She is wearing black gloves; like, is she kidding? She tells the girls that she wants them to be real in their interviews, because she can see straight through the fake. Looking in the mirror must be a real adventure, then. (It should also be noted that upon the word "fake," the camera pauses on effing rock n' roll Megg.) Tyra tells the girls to be themselves, and if they're nervous, to tell her that they're nervous. They all scream and whoop and swirl together, and then Tyra leaves, and then they scream some more and fan themselves.
It is interview time. Tyra and the Jays sit behind the panel, and see Christian first. She's nineteen, from Columbia, South Carolina. She says that she's sad to see Tyra retire, but is ready to take her spot. Well, we'll see about that, young one. Jay asks Christian to make her favorite Tyra pose, and Christian's knowledge of the shots that Tyra has done for ANTM is impressive or frightening or pathetic, depending on how you look at it. Then again, I taught myself the "Take Me Home" dance routine from Cher's farewell concert, so who am I to judge. In any case, I think that Christian is pretty. Christian says that she needs somebody to step up and give her a chance. To fail. Done and done.
Next, CariDee (and I think that capital D is right, though I'm not entirely certain) comes stomping in, looking like a caribou and wearing a bride's garter belt. For reals, yinz guys. Her name is pronounced, "Carrie DEE," emphasis on the DEE, which makes me think that her real name is, in fact, Carolyn Dee Somethingorother. With Jay Manuel's prompting, Miss J. goes up to CariDee and removes the garter belt with his teeth as raunchy music plays. Maybe this is why so many people oppose gay marriage. Then Jay puts the garter belt on Tyra, and tells CariDee that he has one tip for her, which is, "Don't ever do that again." When Mr. Tangerine Man is telling you that you're tacky, it's really time to reassess. CariDee tells us that she was really nervous, especially coming from North Dakota...and I totally want to hate her, but then CariDee says, "The most famous person we have in North Dakota is Paul Bunyon...and he's dead." See, that's funny. Tyra tells CariDee that she looks like Rebecca Romijn. It's true. The tag line for this season should be, "The Poor Man's Version." CariDee also has a smokin' bod. She interviews that she's weird, kooky, high-strung and out there. She tries to drop it like it's hot on the way out, and Tyra asks, "What was that?" but laughs nonetheless. Secretly, I love CariDee.