America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Marks Her Territory

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Sister Christian, Oh, The Time Has Come

We cut to "Megg" running like a freak into the interview room. Miss J. falls off his chair, and she goes, "Woo!" I get the feeling that Megg goes, "Woo!" a lot. Also, please note that she probably changed her name from Megan to Megg so as not to get mixed up with the other Megan. The extra "g" on Megg is for, "Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, do I love to rock 'n roll!" Tyra asks why Megg is so happy, and Megg says that she feels so alive and "on top of that world." I don't know which world she's talking about, but it surely isn't ours. Tyra says that Megg describes herself as dark and intense. Megg says that the kind of music she listens to is dark and deep. She loves heavy metal and rock & roll. Heavy metal? Do people even say "heavy metal" anymore? Tyra tells her to rock & roll runway walk in her swimsuit. She slaps her own ass when she leaves the room. I don't know about Megg. Mr. Jay says that she has a sultry, hooded eye. Is that a double entendre? Miss J. says that when she came close, he saw a reason to say no. Tyra says that when Megg came close, she saw a reason to say yes. And that is to expose her for the rock & roll fraud that she is.

Next is Jaeda, eighteen, from Parkersburg, Iowa, who is the self-proclaimed "hot girl" at school. They like 'em manly in Parkersburg, I guess. Apparently the whole football team is hot for her. Miss J. asks if she ever got caught in a huddle. He is so tired. Tyra says that the hot girl on campus doesn't always translate into a model. Jaeda says that she thinks she's a hot girl who can model. Jaeda interviews that she didn't come here to sit and be quiet, she came here to be seen, and she only has a week to do it. Eh, the jury is out on Jaeda.

Next we once again meet Becky, who says in her audition tape that she's a small town girl with big dreams. Oh, gag. Becky's baby book said that when she was three-years-old she wanted to be a model. Becky's mom wanted her to raise pigs instead. Hey, works for me. But Becky wasn't going to give up. She's going, she says, to be America's Next Top Model. Tyra says that Becky is generally sweet, pretty, and nice, which can also be generally boring. In all fairness, Becky is pretty and has a great rack.

Next is The Dread Monique. She says to Panel that they need to pick her, because she deserves it. She deserves to win a reality show? Seriously? Why does she deserve it, asks Tyra. Monique starts to cry and says that she's been through so much in life. Out of all of her sisters, she's been the darkest one. I'm sorry, but that gets a 2 on the Tragedy-O-Meter. If she was left in a grocery store by her mother, Punky Brewster style, just because she's the darkest one, then she'd jump to an 8. Monique never thought she was beautiful. This must explain why she would enter a modeling competition. But whatever, Monique is in pain. Her sisters would call her "Blackula." Is it wrong that I laughed at that? Tyra says that a lot of girls from troubled backgrounds try to enter the entertainment industry because they want some kind of validation. I will validate that Monique is horrible. Monique wants big things out of life, and wants to go as far as her mind will take her. I don't know that she should particularly trust her mind as the vehicle to take her places. Tyra notes that this competition, and the modeling industry, will mean lots of criticism, which might bring traumatic flashbacks of feeling ugly. Monique walks in her swimsuit, which reminds Tyra of a swimsuit that she wore in a calendar. We see the shot that Tyra is talking about, but really the swimsuits look nothing alike. This moment has been brought to you by, "It's All About Tyra."

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America's Next Top Model

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