America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Mutilated The Precious Brownies

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Smells Like Cupcakes

Tyra Mail! "Lights, Camera, Action! Tomorrow get a jump start to your day and be ready by 7:30." The girls arrive at an airplane hangar, where they meet The Dowager Jay Manuel. He is dressed in a bedazzled jean jacket. No, really. In the words of Wing Chun, "Dolly Parton wants her wardrobe back, you moronic fuckwad" (paraphrased, and that last bit might have been mine). He tells them, "Now, some of you still have issues posing on the ground..." which, shut up you stupid jerk. But today is going to be more challenging, because they'll need to pose while in flight. The photographer -- who of course has shot Tyra (and not literally, even though killing people is widely believed to be so very funny) -- is hilariously foreign and named Sascha Pflaeging. He loves to photograph models while they are pflying. Sascha Pflaeging tells the girls that the shoot will be physically demanding, so he hopes they have a lot of energy. The girls think that the shoot will entail some sort of task like bungee-jumping while holding yogurt (no, seriously), but in fact they will be shilling an energy drink called "Y-J Stinger" while bouncing on a trampoline. Kelle asks Jay not to tell her that she's doing great if she's not, and to give her some kind of useful critique so that she can do better. Which seems like a perfectly reasonable request, right? The Dowager snots, "Kelle, I can't baby you through every frame." He interviews, "I'm tired of talking about Kelle, I'm tired of talking to Kelle, I'm tired of seeing Kelle cry." Can someone please just fire him? He's so obviously an incompetent, unqualified boob. Kelle interviews that she needs help because she's never done this before, and if she took perfect pictures she'd be at an agency right now. Too, too true, Kelle. Ann interviews, "She wasn't saying 'baby me along,' all she was saying was if she's doing bad, don't tell her she's doing good [sic]." Who knew that Ann would be the lucid and reasonable one in this situation? Also, hate, thy name is Jay Manuel. He's the worst.

The girls are outfitted in modern punkish clothes, hair, and makeup. Sascha Pflaeging says that Cassie was very comfortable jumping up and down, but didn't have a lot of variety. Eva gave good energy, but doesn't have a lot of range. Toccara was really good, particularly for being a fatty. Nicole says that trampoline-ing is tricky. Eva gives Norelle some pointers. Sascha says that Norelle is a bit awkward and gangly. Kelle begins to jump in her cute pink dress, and her boobs totally fly out. Eva cracks up. Yaya tells her to stop jumping, and then mocks her squealing. Kelle has to change into another, much uglier dress. I'm sorry, but they can keep Toccara's boobs in her dress but not Kelle's? Say what you will, but the fix is totally on. Jay laughs at Kelle while she's jumping. He interviews that she is too self-conscious when she gets in front of the cameras. Gee, I wonder why. Kelle cries. She is so beaten down. Ann says that she has to prove that she deserves to be there. Sascha says that Ann wasn't bothered by hurting herself, so she gave a lot. Jay says that she was a big flop. She scraped herself on her chin and elbows, and perhaps other places. She looks kind of ridiculous.

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America's Next Top Model

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