America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Needs A Miracle

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Previously on ANTM: The thirteen finalists moved into their Bel-Air home with lots of whooping; Cassandra likened herself to a sociopath, but prissier; the girls flew in the air with the greatest of unease on a superhero-themed photo shoot; and Ashley was eliminated. Who? Exactly. Only twelve bitches remain!

Sunny California. An alarm clock rings, and the girls awaken. Sarah says that it was shocking to almost be eliminated, and that she is really relieved. She says she's going to have to get better, because she's not good enough right now and has to rely on tricks such as slipping other ladies the tongue to stay on the show. The girls eat breakfast, and Kim says she can't believe Ashley isn't there anymore. Lisa agrees that she didn't think Ashley would be eliminated, and then interviews that she's really competitive and is trying to make something great for herself. A tired-looking Ebony yawns. She interviews fantastically, "You can't underestimate for one second one of these skeezers here. You can't. If you show weakness, they're going to pounce on you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass." Ebony is like Kelle but wittier and with less snout, and thus I love her.

Tyra Mail! "Don't bitch and moan about this hairy situation. Be ready to leave at 8:45 AM." The girls all agree that makeovers are imminent. Cassandra interviews that she's confident about the way she looks and adds that she has a "great natural beauty" and doesn't have to change much to enhance that. Somewhere offstage, Tyra cackles a great "Mwah ha ha ha!" and twists her handlebar moustache French-villain style.

The girls meet Tyra and Jay at the Louis Licari Salon. Louis Licari, says Tyra, is a legend and master of color. Jay says that they're going to turn the girls into "these bling top models," and notes that Linda Evangelista's career took off when she cut her hair really short. Sarah gives a look of concern. There is a flash of Linda Evangelista that makes me realize afresh the contestants' limited potential. The girls' new looks are going to be as follows: Nicole will get a big curly hair weave. Coryn will be blonde. Diane will get wheat-colored hair, "like a prairie." Louis wants to give Lisa's hair more contrast so that her eyes pop, and so she wants to go darker. Lisa interviews that she's a chameleon like Linda Evangelista, and wants something really drastic. She is also modest and patient like Naomi Campbell and sober like Kate Moss. Ebony is going to get waist-length braids for glamour, pizzazz, and to "represent her people." Her people are all like, "We're doing just fine, thanks." Kyle is going to go chocolatey brown. Jayla will get long extensions. Kim interviews that she doubts she'll get a buzz cut or anything, because having a lesbian with a buzz cut is just too much. So they'll probably give her a mullet instead. Tyra says that they love the length of Kim's hair, but want to dye it red to go with her olive skin tone. Kim looks skeptical, and also, may I add, is standing in extremely close proximity to Sarah. Hm. Sarah will get an edgy symmetrical cut. Nik will go lighter and sun-kissed. Bre is going to go straighter and sexier.

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America's Next Top Model

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