America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Needs Six Months Of Modeling School

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Stopping Short

An example of Betsey's personal style, she tells them, was communicated from her last fashion show, which she takes us to watch clips of. Girls walking in crazy clothes. Lights in the background spell out the letters B.J. ("I so can't believe you put those lights on the back of the runway," he says, to which Betsey volleys effortlessly back, "Who the hell are you, and what's that glowing orb box with the crazy lady in it?"), and Betsey does a cartwheel. B.J. is all, "I can't believe you did that cartwheel at your own show," and I know I don't know as much about fashion as I probably could to really be an expert, but I've got to be honest and say B.J.'s opinion is kind of starting to piss me off.

Betsey pops up at the loft, where she tells the girls that their new challenge is, in ten minutes, to rummage through other people's clothes, and construct an outfit using their personal styles. She wants those styles, according to April's confessional, "to radiate so bright that it doesn't matter what kind of clothes we're wearing." She outlines the reward for the winner of this challenge in a way so inspiring I debate switching into my best Old Navy pocket T and see if I might just be a contender: "The big prize to the contest is a fabulous, fabulous dinner out in New York City with some fabulous, fabulous guest." Could there be more implied "TBD" in the ANTM production schedule at this point? But still. I mean, wow. Four times she says "fabulous." Fabulous to the fourth power. Okay, screw it, I'm convinced. Please hold the pause button while I find a real adult and learn how to tie a necktie.

Ready, set, go! Sara and April have planned a clothing switch in advance, because when you already possess the identical quality of "maybe being each other," a clothing swap is less Freaky Friday and more, like, Normal Friday. Yoanna makes for a skirt of Mercedes's she's had her eyes on (careful, now...that thing is dirty with lupus!), and Camille cons Xiomara into letting her borrow jewelry. Why would you let the house problem child have access to your breakable heirlooms? Why should they be allowed to rummage through each other's clothes at all? When I'm on this show, I say one thing and I mean it. Bitches? Stay outta my swag. ["Oh man, really? I was hoping I could let my personal style shine through while wearing your 'Dan' t-shirt." -- Wing Chun]

The girls prance back into the living room and take a trip down the runway. Sara gets the high compliment "Sara could've done my last runway show," while Xiomara takes home the I-am-not-impressed- with-your-booby-prize, "All riiiiiiighty!" Camille is starting to flag and is told she's looking "rough," while April gets thumbs-up and Yoanna kicks ass. "You're all knocking me out, here," Betsey says, and a little asterisk floats up next to her sentiment that, if you look down at the bottom of Betsey's psyche, reads, "Except you, Krazy Eyes." Mercedes does fine even though she has lupus. Jenascia -- in a ripped red Flashdance shirt and a trucker hat -- causes Betsey to muse for a long time and finally come out with this: "I'm not one of these where unless you're six feet I can't work with you. I think that you're almost there. Just six months of modeling school...walking and all that junk." Jenascia reiterates in a confessional what Betsey has just told her and I hope there's open enrollment, because I think Jenascia will be in position where she'll be ready to start, like, right away. Catie doesn't have enough of "the real you," because she's not enough of a whore, I guess? Shandi tries to be a little sexy, but Betsey tells her not to be the sexpot "that the other girls are doing. Your strength is that you're not that." Now y'all know I love Shandi like the fraternal twin brother I've never had, but what it sounds like Betsey was saying is, "Don't try to be model-esque, because your unique and beguiling ugliness makes for far more compelling TV. But not for that much longer." And then she picks Shandi as the winner, allowing her to take two friends with her to dinner. The rest of the girls offer up a wan "Shaaaaaaaaaaandi," which she mentions in a confessional, saying, "I get that a lot." She chooses as her esteemed dinner companions Xiomara and Yoanna, and I get that swell of joy like the one when the white spy would finally win in Spy Vs. Spy because you know that the good people are finally in charge for a while.

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America's Next Top Model

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