America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Needs Six Months Of Modeling School

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Stopping Short

"Camille, my earring is broken," Xiomara grouses, because why have an "A" story and a "B" story when there are twenty-four other perfectly usable letters vying for a chance to make an appearance this episode? Xiomara's special, unique, irreplaceable, fabulous, fabulous earrings are all whacked out and broken, and Camille complains in a confessional, "Oh, like this is all I freakin' need right now." Camille grabs the earrings out of Xiomara's hands (could such nimble hands possibly have crushed the delicate baubles? But it seems so impossible!) and tells her that she has a friend who's a jewelry designer, promising, "I'll fix it. But you'll just have to wait." She sighs and snorts and pulls down on her hair so much it's like she expects it to bring a hotel porter to come and take her bags out to the car.

Mood rain falls again on old Lupus Town. Poor Mercedes. She calls her mom and cries that she's not feeling well but that she's still gonna "do what she can to make it to the top." People, there is nothing funny about a disease that makes it rain outside.

A limo pulls up in front of the ZoLoft, and Shandi correctly infers that it's for her and her guests, and is not, in fact, on its way to the Starbucks on Varick and Spring to pick me up and drive me back to Park Slope. The door opens and our special, secret, fabulous, fabulous mystery guest is revealed to be...Adrienne, the winner of the first season of America's Next Top Model and friend of the forums and a wonderful person who loves children and puppies and singing. Hi, Adrienne! I'm sorry I didn't watch you win last season, but, see, I was probably recapping six other shows all about Nevada or something that have all already been cancelled but which allow me to keep blaming Ben Affleck for everything including not finding out about you earlier. We montage through Adrienne's triumphs last season, and then tramp through the Adrienne Curry Legitimization Video Résumé, where she explains what an amazing opportunity the show was and that she's working every day. We cut over to the VIP room at a French restaurant, where Xiomara bitches about Camille and does a walk like Catie.

Meanwhile, back at the ZoLoft, a voice calls out "someone do Xiomara," and Catie leaps onto the runway doing her Xiomara impression, which is perfectly juxtaposed against a split screen of Xiomara's walk. It's actually pretty uncanny, I have to say. On the way back, Catie does a Yoanna, and then nails a Camille on the dismount.

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America's Next Top Model

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