America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

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Model Behavior

A big, pimping coach bus pulls up to the corner. The interior looks like the limo I would take to a prom if I had been asked to go to said prom by Tenacious D. It's enormous and all leather, ridiculously ostentatious for any age group, tour group, or '80s hair-metal band. SeeYouTomorrow tells us in her very first confessional that they were picked up in a "rock-star bus." For the band Stryper, maybe. SeeYouTomorrow is twenty-five and from Morganville, NJ. And my thighs are sticking to those seats just looking at them.

Oh, look. They can talk. A lightning-quick cut later (because if that bus montages under 50 miles per hour, look out), we're in the getting-to-know-you chatty stage. Anna kicks things off by telling her two new best friends (and, I mean, considering the stakes and the reputation of this show and the cliché of girls spending long periods of time competing for something, why wouldn't they all be close as sisters?) about the husband and two-year-old son she left at home. And I guess "husband" must have been the Pee-wee's Playhouse Word Of The Day, because SeeYouTomorrow goes crazy when she hears it. Anna is twenty-four and from LaGrange, Georgia, and her life flashes before our eyes in the same film stock they used to film the videotape scenes in The Ring, as we montage through shots of Anna playing with her son and hugging her husband on September 5, 2003 at 7:15 PM, if that date stamp is to be believed. Back on the bus (seeeeeeeven daaaaaaaays), Catie pipes up, asking Anna what her husband thinks of her ditching the family to try for a job where the luckiest people don't have stretch marks and travel constantly and are never, ever, ever with their families. Anna says her husband thinks that's fine. Ring. Hello? Seven days! HELLO? Click.

Catie is eighteen (awwww!) and from Willmar, Minnesota (guuuuh?), and she confessionalizes that the bus "picks up more girls," apparently because she didn't say anything else compelling enough for the producers to use for her introductory shot. She's really, really blonde. Her nose seems to get smaller every time I look at it. Maybe it's still healing.

And yes, Catie. It's true. Other girls do start getting on the bus. One of them (who hasn't confessionalized yet, so she hasn't technically been introduced) confirms that Catie is eighteen, and we learn that she graduated early from high school to move out to L.A. to pursue modeling. Odd that my parents didn't go for that when I pitched it during my senior year of high school. Catie wants to be a model because she "likes to be the center of attention." That's the reason she wants to be a model? Well, Catie, there are plenty of other vocations where a creepy vibe of tabloid voyeurism is part of the job description as well. So if this doesn't work out, we'll definitely be seeing you again on or America's Next Top Ben Affleck's Girlfriend or America's Next Top Presidential Assassin. I would also suggest that "reality-show contestant" might be a better career for you than "model," but it seems you're a couple of steps ahead of me there.

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America's Next Top Model

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