America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

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Model Behavior

April (twenty-three, Miami), on the other hand, tells the other girls, "This is such a derail for my life." We learn via RingCam that April used to work for "a Fortune 500 company" doing something with "business accounts," but that it "wasn't enough" for her. But applying for this gig, she says, she just did "for fun." I don't know what her job description was at the Fortune 500 company that left her so unfulfilled, but if I had to guess, I'd say it had something to do with transparent passive-aggressiveness and opening a resort called Mount Face where ants and other tiny insects could race, slalom, and snowboard down her mangled ski-slope nose job. A procedure I'm sure she just needed for work managing business accounts at a Fortune 500 company.

Yoanna is twenty-three and from Jacksonville, Florida, the state where reality-show participants are grown and harvested (beating close second "Wisconsin" and third "the pharmaceutical industry, for some reason"). She looks like Lara Flynn Boyle playing a Star Trek villain from the lost planet of Beautania. She tells the other girls that she was once fifty pounds heavier than she is now (that is to say, she weighed fifty pounds), but that she wanted to get into high-fashion modeling, so there you go. The other girls actually clap for her, cooing for the achievement like she had just told them that she built a house for orphans out of gum and toothpicks, like some benevolent Saint Matlock character I've just decided I'd like to pitch a new show about.

More girls! More girls! More girls! Bethany is twenty-two and from Houston, Texas, and she's just walked away from Penn Station, because the Long Island Railroad apparently now has a stop in Houston. I totally didn't know that. She tells us, "I have a lot more talent than the boobs [sic]." Meaning you have a lot more talent than just the talents offered by your boobs, or more talent than the boobs have in some independent way? Like that they can cook really well, or retrieve a newspaper without your having to get off the couch? Bethany is the one from the opening with the titties. Y'know. That one.

"Boobs." What kind of a word is that?

Shandi, on the other hand, looks like the really pretty girl who doesn't know how pretty she is, but then when she takes off her glasses and pulls her down her hair, voilà! Except Shandi knows how pretty she is. Because she is on this show. She's twenty-one and from Kansas City, and she was a service clerk at Walgreeens. She typifies her past look as being "mousy" and "nerdy," adding "it would be nice to feel a little bit better about [herself]." And what better way than this, I ask you? What better way than this?

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America's Next Top Model

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