America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Overslept

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Model Behavior

Mercedes is twenty-two and wears hoop earrings (natch) and a hat that cries, "It's Lisa! And she looks like Blossom!" I'll get it out now so there's no trouble going forward: I don't think she's pretty. She tells us that she was rude when she lived in Jersey, but now she lives in California and she's nice. Okaaaaaaay...? Well, I guess it's better than spending her entire confessional talking about her boobs. But at least that way I could draw some horrible pun out of it and call her travels west "manifest chestiny." Ech. Good thing I decided not to do that.

We're twelve strong (well, maybe they could life one small suitcase together, but only if they're all reeeeally trying) now, and Lara Klingon Boyle tells us in a confessional, "We were trying to guesstimate what was going to happen next?" Hee. "Guesstimate"? Pardon my vague grasp on the language, but am I guessing (or "guesstimating") that the word she's looking for is "guess"? I love that she felt the need to describe the actions on the bus in third-grade math terms. The desk was approximately four inches in width, so to figure out the height, Bobby was going to have to guesstimate. Wait until she tries to describe her first experience on the runway in terms of PEMDAS. Hmmm. Maybe "guesstimate" is Klingon for "guess."

Hey, what's this monkey wrench doing here? The girls, thinking they were on their way to their housing, were dead wrong. Instead, they pull up to a giant military-looking ship of some kind, replete with men in military-looking dress. This show. Something for everyone. Mercedes confessionalizes that two soldiers (actual, or guesstimate?) came off the ship, and there they are, welcoming the girls to New York "on behalf of the United States Marine Corps." Now, in the idealized, peacetime, awww-shucks, Clinton-esque past, this whole thing would have had a slightly surreal quality to it. But now? Aren't eligible military active men best served elsewhere than on America's Next Top Model? I mean, these men deserve some time off, too. But, I don't know. Vaguely creepy. Onto the deck of the U.S.S. Intrepid they go. It was a ship in World War II. I went on a school trip there in eighth grade. It was boring and gray then, and it's boring and gray now. And the view from the deck sucks a lot more now than it did in the early '90s. Jenascia confessionalizes that she doesn't know what they were doing there, but that she hoped "it had something to do with food." Really? Say, do you guys think that maybe Jenascia's mixed up the concepts of "fed" and "ephedra" again?

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America's Next Top Model

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