Next is Michelle, and Jay tells everyone that she is a wrestler. We hear a beginning-of-the-round ding, and cut to shots of Michelle manhandling Rib. At one point Jay says that she can grab the back of Rib's hair, and she totally yanks his head back. She has all the grace and finesse of a warthog. Rib says that she was trying to pin him down, and if they had been in a wrestling match she would have won. She bounds off joyfully.
Tyra Mail! It's time for a judging. Rebecca interviews that she's never walked away from a shoot feeling like she's nailed it, and says that she hopes that she has a photo that will impress the judges. Meanwhile, Kahlen rips a brush through her hair in what sounds to be a quite painful way. And I know that UPN is cheap, but couldn't they spring for some leave-in conditioner? Jesus. She interviews that she might be the one going home, but I think we all know that's false. Tiffany sits on the couch with Keenyah and says that her grandma told her she was America's Next Top Model, but that she never thought they'd pick her because -- get ready for it -- she's from the ghetto. We flash back to her telling Tyra that she doesn't fit in, and Tyra saying that such feelings come from fear, and that Tiffany is transforming as a model and as a person. Tiffany gives Tyra a big hug. And wow, you guys! The great and benevolent Typrah Winbanks really, really cares. Back in the present Keenyah says, "Remember, you've been picked. You're wanted here," which I think is nicer and more succinct than anything that's ever come out of Tyra's mouth (including pork gristle).
A photo of Tyra dressed up as a sexy chicken leads us into judging. And I hear that shoot was a real mess because Tyra actually tried to deep fry and eat her own leg. Tyra, for once, is wearing an understated and elegant black strapless dress. And also, the fact that judging is beginning only thirty-five minutes into the episode gives us a hint that big, big things are about to occur. Even though I've watched it about a hundred times, I am still mad with anticipation and suspense. Tyra goes over the prizes and introduces the judges, of whom Boris Kodjoe is the guest. Tyra says that she "used to model with" Boris way back in the day, which is code for "screw till the weave hit the ceiling."
For their individual evaluations, the girls must guest-host a mock special assignment for ANTM TV. They must give a status report on the happenings of Paris fashion week cold from a teleprompter. We then get what can only be described as a montage of idiocy and illiteracy. The first big stumbling block is the color "magenta," quickly followed by "chartreuse." And while they perhaps fall outside the realm of Roy G. Biv…I mean, come on. Michelle, Christina, and Kahlen take the early leads for dumbest in show. Janice sits back in her chair and sighs, perplexed that she could read better from across the room even after her eyes have been narrowed to papercut-thin slits from her last five facelifts. Things get decidedly worse when the girls must read the names of designers. Tatiana pronounces Christian Lacroix as "Christian Lox-roy." No one can pronounce "Hermes," but I will give them that that's a tricky one. Kahlen reads aloud the stage direction, "(Looks to the left.)" And you know, I think we must give proper credit to the miracle of natural selection, which sends the freakishly pretty and skinny people off to walk a fifty-foot strip, pose for hours on end, and kill off their remaining sparse brain cells with vats of cocaine while all the smart people take care of the important stuff. I don't know how George W. Bush fits into this theory, but try to suspend your disbelief for a minute or two. "Francais" trips up some of the girls, as does "au revoir."