America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Retaliates

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Red Bullshit

Meanwhile, the girls get to Harrods and learn via Lead Personal Shopper Sukeena Rao that they will be privy to Harrod's By Appointment service, in which they each get a personal shopper. Nik gets $10,000 and Bre and Jayla get $5,000 combined. They shop. They love shopping. Nik buys an expensive purse. It's not that exciting.

The three shoppers go directly to the photo shoot, where they meet Kim and Nicole. They also meet Jay Manuel, who is wearing a t-shirt with a woman's chest painted on it. (Not a naked chest, just a cleavage-y chest.) Nik notes that Jay's boobs look fabulous, and if anyone can appreciate a fabulous boob on another gal, it is Nik. Call me, Nik! The girls are doing a shoot for Olay Quench, a new body lotion that I'm sure is as crappy as every other product they shill on this godforsaken show. Oh...was that out loud? Jay says that, "back in the day," models used to sit for hours and hours as artists painted and sculpted them. The girls are going to have to recreate that same focus today, because they will be recreating classic art with a modern twist. Let the bastardization begin! Kim will pose as The Birth of Venus, Nicole will be The Girl With the Pearl Earring, Nik will be the Vitruvian Man, Bre will be the Mona Lisa, and Jayla will be Whistler's Mother. Jay then points out that his t-shirt is an homage to classic art, and given what we are to learn about Jay's cultural frame of reference, I guess Maxim as classic art is appropriate.

But we are not yet done. There is going to be a very special guest, who will introduce an extra-extra-special guest. The special guest is Twiggy, and she introduces Barry Lategan, the man who took the photo that launched Twiggy into superstardom. I wish the photographer for the week were Barry Gibb, or even my cousin Barry, who rocked a serious mullet for a good twelve years. If that isn't fashion, I don't know what is. Barry, who is sporting a bow tie and houndstooth hat, says in a very regal voice that the girls are going to be representing, in a modern sense, the way beauty has been looked at in the past. He says he's not going to look at them like a row of tomatoes that all look alike. All right, then. Jay says that very few models get the opportunity to be shot by a world-renowned photographer such as Barry. And I'm sure that the girls are going to really embrace this opportunity with heightened professionalism, grace and class. Right? Right?

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America's Next Top Model

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