America's Next Top Model

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Clips And Dips

It's the clip show! Yes, we really have reached the halfway point of the season. It just flew by, like so many birds into a glass door. But more about that later. Tyra begins the episode by again stating her life's mission: (1) to expand what America considers beautiful; (2) to question what makes a model; and (3) to open up the world of fashion to young women everywhere. That is so not catchy. I think she'd be better off with, "Turn out some fierce bitches and trick the ignorant into believing I'm relatable. Watch The Tyra Banks Show, syndicated nationally!"

Anyway, Tyra personally -- because she's a regular gal, just like you and me, and isn't afraid to use a telephone herself, as long as it's been adequately sanitized beforehand, especially if Nigel "Cooties" Barker has been using it -- called 33 semifinalists to give them the news that they were going to the Caribbean. We get to see little clips of some of the semifinalists' reactions, and now we actually know who they are! Ebony is wearing THE SAME UGLY DRESS that she inexplicably loves so much. Seriously, she looks like Maddie Hayes forced to do her best to pick out a stylish outfit at the Salvation Army. Oy. We also get to see Jenah before she got the Weave of Death rubber-cemented to her hair, which is both enjoyable and depressing. Ebony yells, "I love you Tyra!" which is most certainly the sound of irony. Listen to it clang.

We begin for reals in the Caribbean, where Captain Miss J. "Merrill" Stubing has a "fashion checkpoint." Basically, it's like What Not to Wear, but Miss J. just throws out the girls' ugly clothes with no replacements or credit card loaded with cash. As we know that at least half of them are the progeny of crack whores, this doesn't seem very nice. I am also baffled at how Ebony's favorite dress got through. Bianca has a duct-taped suitcase, which you can't really fault her for. Miss J. throws out a pair of black tights. Hey! I love black tights. Bianca interviews that she doesn't have to be ghetto, even though she has her moments. Those moments are called, "Episodes 1 - 6." Don't get me wrong, I love the girl, but her stank has been particularly well documented. She's really good-natured about the fashion checkpoint, though. Jennifah from Walpole -- aww, remember her! -- says that if Miss J. throws away her clothes or shoes, she'll die. Well, then, I guess she'll suffer a naked death. And then there is a girl who we never actually saw at semi-finals, who has a retainer. Miss J. asks if she can remove it for photos. She takes it out, and yikes! There's a tooth attached to it. Sometimes I get the feeling that what makes it to the air really just scratches the mold-ridden surface. It's truly a Halloween house of horrors.

Tyra voices over, "Right away, some strong personalities began to surface." And the catalyst strong personality belongs to Ebony, who asks if the rest of the girls want to play a game and figure out who has an eating disorder. When Marvita challenges her, Ebony gets super-stank and interviews something about knowing that she's fabulous and maybe she just intimidates the other models. See, the thing about Ebony is that she was totally trying to get on the show as the bitch, but I don't think that's her real personality at all. The inherent flaw in her plan is that there are bound to be at least two or three legitimate bitches who will beat you down and make you cry, and that's not even including Tyra Banks. I love how Marvita basically gives Ebony a verbal bitch-slap and then calmly adds, "That wasn't a nice thing to say." Aw, I wish Marvita had made it.

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America's Next Top Model

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