America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Sets A Trap

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Potes: A | Grade It Now!
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Sherlock Homely

First and foremost, HA! I am not insane! Thank you to everyone who wrote to tell me that a movie in which a child is kidnapped and his hair is harvested to make magical paintbrushes does, in fact, exist and is called The Peanut Butter Solution. ["No thanks to the person who phoned me to impart this information. You don't have email? And you don't know I am not Potes?" -- Wing Chun] And it is even weirder than I remembered! Thank you, Canada, for making this crazy-ass movie. And a big you're welcome to all those whose traumatic childhood memories were stirred by my reference to it. Line for the support group starts to the left.

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Amanda revealed a startling secret - she's a stupid jerk! And also legally blind. Jerk. Makeovers led to new, dramatic looks and newfound dramatic bitchiness. Julie fucked up. Potes was sad. Eleven models remain.

New York City! 7:43 AM. The girls rise with the sun. Kelle interviews that she has been very confident throughout the competition, but was taken down a peg at the last judging panel when Janice said her photograph was like a Hitchcock film. Heh. I wish they had inserted a flashback there. Those were good times. Kelle is beginning to realize that she doesn't know it all. Or one thousandth of it, in fact. "Kristi" says that she lacks confidence and is vulnerable because she feels intimidated by the other girls. Jennipher says that living in New York is much different than living in Idaho. New York has drama. Idaho has potatoes. It's also fun for playing "Idaho," "You da ho?," which is the Ricki Lake-inspired version of "Who's on First" that I just made up. Jennipher says that she still likes everyone in the house, and that you have to get along to live together. Ah, foreshadowing!

The girls receive Tyra mail, which tells them to put on their sweats (which many seem to interpret as "coochie-cutting shorts") and sneakers and head to the YWCA. "Kristi" feels right at home because of the Christian part, and Ann feels right at home because she's a dyke. And I mean that as a compliment. Once at the Y, they meet Miss J., who is going to teach them how to work the runway. Miss J. is totally dressed like the schoolmarm in an alternate-universe transvestite Van Halen "Hot for Teacher" video. And I'd be really interested to see what happened to Waldo in that version. Toccara says of Miss J., "She's just fabulous." And I have to say, I'm a bit puzzled as to whether J. takes a feminine pronoun, and I was a Women's Studies minor and actually own Paris Is Burning. So the hicks from the sticks really don't really stand a chance, is all. As evidence: Jennipher thinks that J. is "the funniest man [she's] ever seen", and "Kristi" says, "Why doesn't someone explain J. to us? He wears heels, and no one says anything about it!" Well, okay, "Kristi." Yes, he is a giant flamer but, more importantly, he is the expert in teaching sorry asses like yours to walk. Thus, to have professional credibility, he needs to be able to walk like a bitch in heels. And believe you me, he does. So shut up and get schooled, jowly.

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America's Next Top Model

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