America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Sets A Trap

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Sherlock Homely

The girls line up to shake their little tushes on the catwalk. Cassie interviews that the girls are very excited for their Heatherette fashion-show challenge. While I think that Cassie is pretty and photographs relatively well, she falls prey to the Trishelle phenomenon of looking like absolute crap in her interviews. J. tells the girls that there's a circular platform at the end of the runway that they must step onto and walk around as they pose. Amanda says that it was very scary, since she has really bad daytime vision and is "basically completely blind" at night. Oh, now it's basically completely blind, is it? There's a distinction between Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller, is all I'm saying. The girls take their turns strutting in some really heinous Heatherette fashions. Jennipher is clumpy and graceless. Eva works the Big League Chew. VAGINA DENTATA! Eva says that even though she's short, she loves the runway, and it was a high being on stage. Cassie is presentable. Ann is slightly annoying. Kelle looks like a total transvestite and/or Venus Williams. Nicole is sassy. Toccara gets major cheers and says that she loves to be a show-stopping center of attention. Which, she really is, in no small part to the fact that she is one extra-bouncy step away from being that infamous woman in a tube top on The Price Is Right. Come on down! Eva backs me up on this, saying that Toccara "got applause because your titties are out, girl." Second use of "titties" this season! No wonder Howard Stern is going to satellite. But Toccara really looks great. Yaya looks like she has giant rollers on her head. Heatherette likes her. "Kristi" is worried that the guys in the audience can see up her skirt. Sorry to tell you, "Kristi," but any man present at a Heatherette fashion show who is looking up your skirt has merely made a note of your man jaw and wants to figure out how you tucked away your package so effectively.

Heatherette laments the fact that no one has fallen on the runway yet. Next up, Amanda! D'oh! She says that she couldn't see the runway, and that no one would tell he the number of steps leading up to the runway. I'm sorry, but I really think that the runway of a fashion show is out of the jurisdiction of the Americans With Disabilities Act. When she hits the runway, she discovers that it has glitter all over it, which she says "saved her." And I guess this might actually be a good thing, because had she fallen, I might have felt a little bad for her, and anything that even mildly decreases my hate for her is unacceptable. She does the most annoying walk ever, moving her shoulders all around and lolling her tongue about. Norelle is dolled up in a bride-of-Frankenstein getup, and says it is a dream come true to walk in a Heatherette show. As she steps onto the platform, she falls into a giant pole. Heatherette laughs. Norelle interviews, "My biggest dream: Heatherette fashion show. My worst nightmare: falling. All in the same night!" And, to her credit (I think obliviousness is not the worst trait to have in a model), she seems to take the whole thing rather well. Richie Rich tells her that her blunder is going to make her a star.

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America's Next Top Model




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