America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed

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Viva Las Vagus

Miss J., speaking into a megaphone, tells the girls that they are there for a crash course in "Miss J.'s runway teach." At least I think that's what he says. I love the man, but he's really hard to understand sometimes. He tells the girls to each grab a pair of platform clogs and get their asses on the field. The letters on his cheerleading shirt, incidentally, are "RUHS." Are you homosexual? Yes, and yes. J. interviews that he recently saw a show where models had to walk in a garden, and that it's very difficult to get girls to feel comfortable walking on grass. He demonstrates by walking on a hash line. He says that the girls need to have a present. I think he means "presence," but all I can picture is Michelle walking while holding a be-ribboned box (which in all likelihood contains a framed and autographed photo of Melissa Etheridge. Spoiler!).

The girls walk several at a time on parallel hash lines as Jay shouts out advice. He says that the trick to walking on grass is to try not to model. I think that should just be general advice for most of these girls. Jay looks quizzically at Michelle's manly walk. He megaphones to her that she walks as if she has spina bifida on the right side of her body. And...HA! I feel like maybe Miss J. should be writing this recap. He then imitates her. I could watch this all day. He interviews that Michelle walks as though she has the word on her shoulders. Or, another lady's thighs. I think Miss J. might have an inkling as to Michelle's "secret." He tells Kahlen to get her head up so she doesn't look so much like a melted candle. She gives him a sassy little look. He says that Brandy leads with her chin, and with that jaw it would be hard not to. J. is totally spot on in his assessments, and it is nice to see competence on this show for once. Lluvy is doing a good job. Tatiana needs to take longer steps. And then, Sarah. She clodhops along and looks quite awful. Miss J. says that she is heavy-footed, and tries to give her some direction. She interviews that the trying to walk on grass in big clogs didn't go so well for her. Miss J. tells her that he wants her to be one of God's extra-special little children, because she needs the help. That makes no sense, but I still find it charming. What with this and the mention of spina bifida, I also wonder if he shouldn't try to find some work in the field of telethon hosting. It would be like a new, more fabulous Jerry's kids. "Come on, girl, work those leg braces like you mean it! Turn it out! Fierce!"

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America's Next Top Model

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