America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed

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Christina and Brittany battle first. Brittany interviews that, on the football field, J. told her she was too sexy. Cut to Brittany wearing a "sexy" belt from K-Mart. Dumb-ass. She is eliminated. Miss J. narrates as Brandy, holding a frying pan, battles Naima, holding a sponge mop. "Mop, mop, mop and fry, fry, fry," he says. Brandy is eliminated. The K-Mart café workers look on with amusement, and I suddenly want to see the girls outfitted in blue smocks. Rebecca trumps Noelle. J. tells Michelle -- who has been bested by Tiffany -- to make her way to the layaway department. We see Lluvy in her underwear before she loses to a mop-headed (as pointed out by J.) Kahlen. Keenyah dominates a stupid-looking and gummy Tatiana, whose accessory is a tube of Polident. And then, poor Sarah has to walk all by herself because she sucks so bad. J. tries to give her some pointers, but she still looks like a giant rectangle on stumps. She gets a stupid look on her face when she walks, too, which isn't helping matters. J. tells her to pretend she's walking through hell in gasoline-soaked pajamas. Still no dice. And tell me you wouldn't love to see Miss J. amidst a crowd of differently-abled kids. I mean, this show has given him quite the résumé boost for such a career change. Despite the fact that she's not even competing against anyone, Sarah gets eliminated. That's gotta hurt.

In round two, Kahlen, wielding a bike tire, is eliminated. So is Tiffany, who carries a shoulder bag as if it were a dirty pair of underwear, according to J. Christina the Head Louse and her scary eyes are gone. Keenyah is told to go find her baby's daddy. The duel challenge final takes place: Rebecca versus Naima. They both interview that they're super-competitive. Rebecca is named the winner, and she jumps up and down. She says it's great to know that the best runway coach in the world thinks she has a good walk. She also says that everyone knows where they stand, and that she's at the top. J. tells her that her prize is to meet a famous shoe designer, and that she gets to choose five girls to go with her. At this, Tatiana kind of waves her hand from the back row. Loser. Rebecca picks Kahlen, Sarah, Noelle, Lluvy, and the second-place Naima. The remaining girls get to "service" the winner and her friends. Michelle is all for this plan. The others, however, are bitter.

The girls go to the swanky store of swanky shoe designer Stuart Weitzman. Dustin Hoffman, playing the part of Stuart Weitzman, welcomes the girls and tells Rebecca that she and her friends each get to pick out a pair of shoes for their very own. The girls gasp as if they have won a million dollars or, in Michelle's case, a free subscription to Curve. The non-friend losers will have to wait on the other girls and treat them like "the queens that they will be when they wear these shoes." In an interview, Brittany bitches about how wrong this is. Well then, maybe you should stop being an asshole so people will like you and pick you to share their challenge victories. Brandy also looks pissed. An associate takes the unlucky girls to the stockroom, where a woman shows them how to operate the moveable shoe shelves where the inventory is kept. Michelle interviews that she didn't like the shoe walls, because her one worst fear is "being, like, squished." I don't know if wrestling is such a great occupation for a squishophobic, but then again I am no expert.

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America's Next Top Model

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