America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed

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Viva Las Vagus

Noelle says that Michelle's outbursts make more sense because when you're hiding who you are, you're bound to have freak-outs. And I'm just going to say this once, but ALL LESBIANS ARE NOT CRAZY. Nor are they all ugly. So if you don't know any lesbians first-hand, please do not let Michelle be your model. Brandy tells Michelle that the best thing for her to do is tell it, and Tiffany gives her a big hug. They are being so nice. It warms the cockles of my clown-bashing heart. Michelle interviews that she feels accepted, and confident, and like she can be herself. Who is a crazy psycho bitch. WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT SHE'S A LESBIAN. Sigh. It's going to be a long season for me, I think. ["Lesbians might not be crazy, but why are they always yelling all the time?" -- Wing Chun]

The next morning, Tiffany interviews that the Tyra Mail said something about working with ten other bitches. "I already gotta work with these bitches here, I don't need no mo'," she quips. We are on set at Griffith Park, where Jay Manuel introduces hair stylist Danilo, makeup artist Matheu, and wardrobe stylist Q. No, that's her name. Q. I'm glad that we no longer have to suffer through Michelle the Hag Stylist, but I worry about what may come from someone whose full name is one letter followed by a period. Though I guess she tired of "Q. Sarkisian LaPierre Bono Allman," and wanted to be Just Plain Q, which I can understand. Danielle Levitt is the photographer, and the shoot is for 1-800-Flowers. Rebecca says that she's feeling the pressure of the shoot.

Then, in walks Tyra carrying a chocolate poodle. My aunt had one of those, whose name was Cocoa. She was enormously fat. Which brings me back to Tyra. Kidding! She actually looks really pretty. She tells the girls that they will be posing with ten pooches, and we see Jay walking in the dogs. And seriously, that is the only thing I've seen him do in four seasons that he's qualified to do. The girls will be walking the dogs and holding flowers while a hunky florist looms creepily in the background. At the mention of the hunky florist, the girls go wild, as if they have never seen a man before. Which, given the crew on this show, I guess they kind of haven't. ["Well, they've seen Michelle, for God's sake." -- Wing Chun]

Tiffany is first, and Jay tells her to look elegant, and not like she's at Show Palace. She says if the dogs bite her, she'll bite them back. Jay reminds her to have some interaction with the male model, and she says she forgot he was back there. Jay instructs her to lose a little of the ghetto face. The dogs in this shoot, I have to say, are awesome. Go to the UPN website and look through these photos with your focus on the dogs. Pay particular attention to the basset hound, who is cuter by far than any of the girls. He's also always sitting down, like, "I don't get paid enough for this shit." Christina is next, and Jay tells her to give him some range. Danielle says that when Michelle extends her neck and eyes, there's too much tension created in her face. And she looks like a head louse. Brittany says that she's been chastised for being too porn-star, and so is aiming to look more high-fashion. Cue stripper music. Still porny. The hunky florist kind of looks like he might want to bone her, but in actuality I think that he's laughing a little because she looks so awkward while she's posing.

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America's Next Top Model

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