America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Suddenly Collapsed

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Viva Las Vagus

Previously: The fourteen finalists moved into their new abode, which is naturally in the back of a warehouse owned by fashion-designing bikers. At makeover time, Michelle suffered through scalp-eroding peroxide, which was nearly as painful as hiding a deep, dark secret about one's sexuality, while Brandy and Keenyah bitched and moaned. In the end, the judges felt that Brita lacked the "edge" of a top model, what with all her excess flesh. Thirteen girls remain. And I must say, kudos to the editors for not giving away who is eliminated in the Previously on. FOR ONCE.

It is morning in L.A. The smog hangs thick, but not thick enough to conceal Michelle's ambiguous sexuality. The girls are awakened by Tyra Mail: "Today you'll battle to the death in a coliseum. Be ready at 10 AM." Finally, a good bludgeoning! The lack of one has thus far has really kept this show from moving to the top tier. Rebecca says that all the girls have been happy-go-lucky and getting along well. She adds that people tend to think that she's too nice, but thatshe's actually a very serious competitor, and she's going to give it her all. Michelle interviews that she was unsure about "living with other people." Like, at all? I guess it is kind of a radical shift from her solitary fortress under the bridge. She says that the thought of it made her very anxious. As Tiffany goes to brush product out of Michelle's hair, Michelle tells her not to catch her earrings, and that she's paranoid. Tiffany interviews that the smallest things freak Michelle out, and says, "Michelle...got problems." Yeah, no shit. Brandy interviews that being in the bottom two sucked, and that Tyra gave her an ass-whooping with regard to her attitude. Brandy says that her biggest opponent right now is herself. And I think those are very self-aware comments from a person who knowingly chose to sew a clown wig into her head.

The girls arrive at a football field. Sarah interviews that the girls are terrible "speculators" and can never figure out the Tyra mail. Suddenly, in the stands, we see three cheerleaders and a Top Model banner. Brandy interviews that she hates cheerleaders, and that all they need are three more pretty girls on the scene. Michelle is all, "Cheerleaders...feed me!" Suddenly, out of the banner pops Miss J. Alexander with pom-poms and his hair in two pigtails. The only really sad and surprising thing about this is that he's wearing pants as part of his cheerleading outfit, and not a tartish skirt. I think he's losing his edge. The girls cheer wildly. Christina interviews that Miss J. looked really cute, which he does. And Christina doesn't entirely look like a head louse at the moment, surprisingly, but I don't expect that to last long. Sarah interviews that if Miss J. is there, walking is involved. I'm sorry, but if you put a frosty mug of Duff beer in that woman's hand, she is a dead ringer for Barney from The Simpsons.

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America's Next Top Model

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