Previously: Natasha didn't know what the eff she was doing. Despite her best efforts to change, Renee was kind of a huge wanker. At Panel, Dionne's personal style was criticized, but it wasn't enough to get her sent home. Instead, boring Felicia said "au revoir" to the rest of the bitches. Of whom there are now nine!
It is night at the Top Model house. We hear the sound of a phone ringing, then cut to Natasha in the phone chamber. "Do you miss meeeeee?" she asks. Stuart, her husband, says that of course he misses her. In a sexy little girl voice, she asks, "Do you remember me? Everything?" Man, why did they have to get all Cinemax After Dark on us? But then, suddenly, Stuart asks if she wants to talk to little someone or other -- buzzy buzz? I don't know, it's kind of hard to hear him clearly over the phone -- and Natasha sits up from her supine "I touch myself" position and says that ahhh, she gets to talk to her "baby" for the first time in three weeks. "Baby"? Say wha? For a while, I thought that it was a language issue thing, and that her husband would actually put her favorite skanky dress from Bebe up to the phone so Natasha could hear its sequins crinkle. Natasha interviews that, being a model, you have to be away from your family most of the time: "You have to work it." Work that family abandonment! Make it fierce! Natasha says hi to the baby, telling it that it's his/her mama on the phone, and we hear a child cry. I am still somehow in awe of the fact that Natasha has a kid. This scene also makes me ruminate on how children can ruin good phone sex. Natasha interviews that she's really sad because she hasn't bonded with anyone in the house. Out in the world, she and the other contestants would never be friends, she says, because they're so different. To wit, we cut to Whitney asking Diana if she knew that Natasha was eighteen when she married her husband, and that he was forty, and she didn't speak any English. Diana says, "Day-um." Whitney asks if Diana thinks that's weird. Diana does. Shouldn't they have hashed all this out at Casting? We cut back to the phone chamber where Natasha is running her nails along the top of the chair and breathily saying, "I neeeeed you, Stuuuuart, rggggggh. Purrrrrr. Meow!" Well, if she doesn't end up winning this competition, I think that her 1-900-RGGH-PURR business will take off quite well. Cut back to Diana asking Whitney (and Renee) if they think that Natasha was a mail-order bride. Whitney says that she was wondering the same thing. Again, it took them three weeks to wonder this? I thought it was just assumed. Diana says that it's creepy, and Whitney agrees, adding, "Grooooooss." And speaking of gross, we cut back to Natasha saying, "Would you be gentle to me?" and Stuart saying, "Of course." Having phone sex on the communal phone just seems wrong somehow. They need to spray some Lysol on that receiver. Natasha goes, "Mmmm," and then hits a phone button and says sorry. What would Anna Karenina think of all this?