America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Takes Credit

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The Girl Who Neglected To Be Jolly

The girls begin the challenge! There is running around and hoedown music and lots of chaos. Dionne tells us that, because she had experience in retail, she set to task picking the girls' outfits. And it makes perfect sense to let the girl whom the judges ragged on for dressing so bad, and who is currently wearing a denim shirt with jeans, pick the outfits for the display, you know? But still: Dionne = love. She interviews that Sarah is running around getting all kinds of crazy shit for the display, like fake flowers and flowerpots. More running around! More craziness! Jaslene says that she's never won a challenge, and because of that, she's dying inside. It's too bad Jaslene doesn't have a flair for the dramatic. Five minutes left! The girls are told to wrap it up. Sarah runs over and asks her teammates which outfit is hers. Which, of course, indicates that the outfit has already been picked out for her. This information becomes important later. The girls run to their platforms, and time runs out. We cut to Natasha whispering to Whitney that she should be on the podium. She says it again, and Jael tells her to shush. Poor Natasha gets no respect, man.

The Zarian brothers look at Sarah, Dionne, and Renee first. They are called the Spring Monarchs. Or, rather, the "Spring Monarch's." The misuse of the apostrophe is really one of our biggest problems in this day and age. The Zarians like that each girl picked an outfit that complements her skin tone and hair color. Sarah gives a big smile.

Next is Tres Flores or, as the Zarians translate for us, "Three Flowers." The Zarians are not only models, but bilingual as well! Can you say dream guy...squared!!! And before I go on, I have to mention that Miss Itty, my soon to be fourteen-year-old cat, is cleaning her paws next to me, and her breath appears to have been drawn from some otherworldly festering pool. It seriously makes me want to vomit. I hope that Dionne becomes a cat dentist and makes house calls, before it is too late. She'd be all, "Day-um, cat! Your breath is bangin'!" But where was I? Ah, yes, Tres Flores. The colors complement their looks, but the girls don't complement each other. Basically, they suck. Sorry, Jaslene, Diana, and Brittany!

And last but not least are Jael, Natasha, and Whitney. They are "Aphrodity's Box." Oh, dear. Even the Zarians have to ask who spelled that. And I mean, Whitney goes to Dartmouth! I think it was Jael who spelled it, but still. I think the bigger issue of the whole thing, however, is that the name makes it sound like you'd be going to Sears to get a big ol' box o' vibrators and tangerine-flavored sensual massage lotion. Or, like, that Aphrodite can fit three live mannequins in her vagina. Which, hey, goddess of love and all. Anyway, Natasha tells the Zarians that when you name something, you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want. Sarah interviews that Natasha is the used-car salesman of America's Next Top Model. It's true, man. The Zarians really like the display. It's a lot simpler and cleaner than the other ones, despite the wall of butt plugs.

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America's Next Top Model




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