America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Talks Behind Everyone's Back

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An Episode Without A Heroine

Tyra Mail! "Prepare to meet the ghost of your past." Lisa is excited, or maybe drunk.

The girls enter some sort of auditorium. Bre says she thinks they're going to see their parents or boyfriends and girlfriends, and it's nice that she was inclusive there. They meet Kevin Frazier, correspondent for Entertainment Tonight, who's kind of a third-tier runway interviewer. He tells the girls that America's Next Top Model will be a celebrity, and will be followed everywhere she goes. I hope the Walgreens of the world can prepare for such a rush. Kevin says that even for big celebs -- like Tyra -- things can get hard. A photo of Tyra appears, and Kevin says that it's the Tyra we all know and love -- happy, fun, and vital. But then another photo appears, and it is not so pretty. First off, Tyra's wearing a trucker hat backwards, which makes me reflect upon how ill-qualified she is to give anyone advice on personal style. In a flash, Kevin tells us, anyone's ugly picture can be found in a magazine with a scathing caption such as "Tyra making faces at her co-star." Co-star of what? Also, someone give this man a Peabody!

Kevin says that, in going to London, the girls are representing Tyra and ANTM, and that they need to be ready at all times. He asks the girls if they've noticed a photographer who has been shooting them on the sly. They, apparently, have not. Kevin takes us on a tour through the gallery of bad photos. First we see a few of Bre. Kevin asks her if she always looks so angry. She interviews that she's not an angry person, and that she was just caught at a bad moment. And we'll see if perhaps those bad moments are increasing in frequency. Next we get one of Nik, and one of Nicole eating, which is apparently a big no-no. Kevin says that you should only eat while the cameraman's not looking. I will be sure to keep that in mind. ANTM is all about giving practical advice to the layman. We see a photo of Jayla wearing big sunglasses, which is also what smart celebs do so that no one can see where they're looking. As a picture of Kim comes up, Kevin asks whom she was talking about in the photo. He asks if she was imitating someone, and she says, "Absolutely not," but everyone laughs because they know that's a lie. Kevin says that she was imitating Tyra, and Kim says it's an affectionate imitation, if anything. Kim interviews that she should be more careful of that from now on. Foreshadowing clips its toenails on Kim's lap.

Next, we see Lisa eating with her feet up on the table. Kevin says that the pictures you see in magazines will make or break you. Or, the footage on television of you peeing in a diaper. Lisa interviews that she appreciates the advice because she's pretty uninhibited and would probably get into a lot of trouble. Oh, honey, it's time for you to move to the past tense. Kevin says that perception is reality, and that the girls can't travel the world and not be ready for the pesky paparazzi who are always watching them. I hear that Season 1's Tessa can hardly step out of her house due to the throng of candid-hungry photographers who are waiting for their lucky break selling pictures of her to In Touch Weekly for hundreds of cents. This is, like, the fakest episode of Top Model ever. The girls exit.

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America's Next Top Model

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