Final episode madness! Jade, Joanie, and Danielle each get a different script for the penultimate Cover Girl commercial challenge, and have varying success memorizing their mascara-loving lines. Joanie nails it pretty quickly, Danielle continues to have problems with her southern accent, and Jade is a straight fool, per usual. The girls also shoot Cover Girl print ads, all of which look pretty gorgeous. Joanie breezes through to the final two, while Danielle's accent and Jade's attitude land them on the brink of elimination. In the end, Jade is finally sent home, and that howling wind you heard outside of your window was millions of people simultaneously breathing a sigh of relief. Or, breathily laughing at the outfit that Tyra wore at judging. Seriously, you guys. Jade continues to be Jade right to the end, as she snaps her way back to what, for the love of God, I hope can only be classified as obscurity. Joanie and Danielle, who might be my favorite pair of finalists ever, go head to head in the final challenge, which involves walking on a pretty amazing, if relentlessly long, runway. When they go before Panel again, Danielle looks perfectly gorgeous and Joanie looks like she bought a replica of Cher's "Half-Breed" costume on eBay, which was my first clue that Danielle really might have it in the bag. She does, she wins, and she is so sweet about it that I actually got a tiny tear in my eye. Joanie takes her runner-up status with total grace and class. Danielle promises to get a voice coach, and with that, another season comes to an end, bitches.
Previously: We were treated this season to thirteen of the homeliest, yet most entertaining, contestants ever. They posed on huge blocks of ice. They suffered through bejeweled cockroaches on their persons. They nearly broke their ankles for the sake of a ludicrous judging challenge. Three contestants are left, but only one can be named America's Next Top Model.
Will it be Danielle, of the gorgeous face, fierce walk, and fun personality? Danielle who has nailed every photo, but suffered through sprained toes and dehydration woes? Danielle who got the gap in her front teeth closed for the sake of even greater beauty, but sounds like she's announcing a Nascar race? Can this Danielle show that she can communicate when it really counts?
Or will America's Next Top Model be Joanie, from the hometown haven of Beaver Falls? Joanie, the preacher's daughter, who you almost forgot demonstrated her wild side by performing in amateur strip contests? Joanie, about whom God might be the tiniest bit ambivalent, because of this last point, thus putting her at a slight disadvantage? Joanie, of the natural beauty...aside from the massive snaggletooth? Joanie who doesn't feel comfortable smiling, even with the snaggletooth gone and veneers covering the pointy stubs of what were once whole, yet crooked teeth? Joanie, whose intro got much less time than Danielle's despite the appearance of this rambling recap introduction?
Or will America's Next Top Model be Jade? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, right. On with the show, bitches!
We are in Bangkok. An elephant nuzzles a tourist, perhaps thinking that he's his long-lost cousin, Pedro Pterodactyl. The girls sit and eat. Jade says that she'll be happy for whoever wins, no matter what. Unless that person is Joanie. Or Danielle. Jade says that she feels like something big is going to happen. Jade, honey, that thing is called The Surreal Life 9. Danielle is anxious because she doesn't like surprises. Suddenly Jade jumps up, runs to the door, and starts screaming, "Oh, my God!" while hopping up and down wildly. Danielle anxiously follows, and Jade just starts laughing because she was playing a joke. To make herself laugh. And it's a mean joke, but also secretly kind of funny and awesome. Danielle yells at her to stop doing that as Jade laughs and laughs. Joanie interviews, "Please send Jade home. Her personality? Smells like a dirty diaper." Eh. It's no, "All I smell is just...bitch," but I guess it'll do.