America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Walks On Water

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Naima Make You Scream-a

Previously: Chaos! Crazy photo shoots! Fourteen finalists have "weathered the toughest competition yet," which in layman's terms means "suffered with Tyra through her nervous breakdown." Three girls remain, and one of these will be named America's Next Top Model, and in a glorious three weeks will be crowned America's Next Top Has-Been. The lucky contenders are:

Kahlen, the "small-town girl from Oklahoma" who came to this competition with "absolutely no experience." Yeah, I don't know about that. But everyone thought Kahlen looked like Carmen Kass, and so lobbed the word "fierce" at her at every opportunity. However, Kahlen has some confidence issues and, quite frankly, often looks like crap in person. Also, she lacks experience with the man meat. Kahlen needs to prove to the judges that she believes in herself enough to take it to "the next level."

Then we have Naima, a "reformed party girl" who came to L.A. embracing a "new, quiet, dignified self." We see her telling the judges in auditions that she carried around a lot of anger, but now her Mohawk is helping to center her thoughts. Well, that and the heavy doses of medication that result in her slow speech pattern. I must say that Naima's highlights served her well, because she looks kind of odd when I see her now with very dark hair. Naima's unique, multi-ethnic look and newfound focus and determination helped her to rock the challenges. She now needs to find out the difference between keeping it together and keeping it all inside. In other words, shed some tears and tell Tyra how grateful you are if you want to stand a chance, bitches.

And then there's Keenyah, who is a hog and in no way is going to win. I mean, clearly when they show all the bad stuff you did during the season in the highlight reel, you don't stand a chance. We see footage of her complaining about her haircut in the makeover episode, pushing Kahlen out of the way at a go-see, and flabbing around on the beach with her not so flat tummy. That last one made me do twenty push-ups on the spot. Janice yells at Keenyah to lose some weight. Tyra punnily asks us, "Will Keenyah's appetite for victory convince the judges that she can look the part of a top model?" Though I am shamed to admit it, I still think Keenyah is pretty.

And tonight we will find out who wins! And it will be glorious! Well, for me, anyway.

We are still in Cape Town, where there are lovely animals including fun and stocky little penguins (many of whom I hoped were able to be shipped to Massachusetts to finally make their domestic partnerships legal). Kahlen says to the penguins, "'ello li'il guys" in a Cockney accent, and one suddenly retorts, "If you wan' a go...go!" Keenyah asks if the penguins will attack her. No, but with a little salt and ketchup she would totally take a bite out of their deliciously porky frames. Waddle for your lives, my tuxedo-clad friends! She interviews that it's down to the last three, and that everyone has to work her hardest and prove how much she wants it. They bid adieu to the penguins.

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America's Next Top Model

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