America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants It Bad

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Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap

First up for the individual evaluation is Katie. Janice wastes no time before becoming...well, Janice, asking Katie why she had hooked her fingers into her bikini. Tyra and Janice go at it (cat fight! Wheeee!), Tyra arguing that her hands were in that exact position on the cover of Sports Illustrated which, sure as heck, they were. They show it. I don't have it or anything. The thing about the football team from above was a lie. To my infinite sadness.

Kesse loves her picture, which is awfully titty and wouldn't have flown if Bethany had given it, let me just say. Bizarro tells us that is was her "second shot," which means that becoming a model is actually totally easy. Er, NOT easy. It's actually not easy.

Qullian, whose name makes him sound like the school-owning villain of the first third of a Thomas Hardy novel, asks Adrianne what size her foot is. A thousand. Her foot size is a thousand. "Face is good, foot bad," Janice snarks, in a direct quote from her dog-eared copy of Tarzan-esque Insults For Tenderizing Fresh Meat.

Bizarro felt that Nicole "hit it," Janice doesn't like Ebony's "booty," Giselle impressed, Shannon "glows," and Tessa doesn't like to be in little clothes, which leads Janice to the conclusion that she's "choosing the wrong profession." Robin brings to mind the problem, according to Tyra, that "on the top she's not plus-size and on the bottom she is." Ouch. Elyse is too thin. That table is tiny for the five of them.

Janice thinks Robin should be booted straight away, and everyone immediately disagrees. Elyse is too skinny. Kesse is in. Shannon is meh. Nicole is in. Tessa "doesn't have a dominant personality." Katie is a little porny. That's what took me out of the top model game.

And back in they go. In Tyra's hands are nine photos are will go onto the next round. Ebony is first. Elyse is next. Kesse is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model. As is Adrianne. And Katie. And Nicole. And Giselle. And Robin. Will Tessa and Shannon please step forward. And, with absolutely no explanation, Tessa is eliminated and she cries to the strains of "A Heart in New York." Which is totally an Art Garfunkel song. Tessa cries and tells us that "everything happens for a reason" as I'm just glad it isn't his cover of "When a Man Loves a Woman." You haven't? Count your blessing and don't buy Fate for Breakfast. Ever.

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America's Next Top Model

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