America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants It Bad

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Djb: A | Grade It Now!
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Adrianne's Season-Long Victory Lap

Ooooh. Good cop! Bedecked in a skintight, light brown unitard like she's going for a Halloween costume of the milk chocolate Hershey's Miniature but forgot the label, the logo, and her pride, Tyra walks in and takes over the room with a wave and a smile and a flip of her ample bangs. The girls scream in nine-octaves-above-middle-C unison, a confessional by the debate-club champ (because of how well she uses the language) Kesse letting us know, "She's even more beautiful in person than she is on the pictures [sic], I think." A twenty-six-year-old named Karen from Memphis tells us that it was "amazing" to see Tyra because they weren't expecting her, while I think it's amazing that I'm typing so quickly considering my unformed digits and lack of a word processing tool here in the amniotic fluid because if Karen is twenty-six, I'm still in utero.

Tyra has remembered one significant detail of each girl's audition tape, from one girl's whorish "motorcycle" to another girl writhing on the floor to one girl's "sexual alphabet," which is just like sex, except instead it's spelling. Tyra counsels the 20 Semi-finalists to be "gorgeous" and "great" in their upcoming interviews, and takes her leave while kicking a dance move even the greats dare not attempt without proper padding. Ladies and gentlemen: I give you...Tyra Banks doing the Roger Rabbit. Dear TiVo: Do it again! Love, Djb.

Fonty The Intro Font welcomes us to "Audition Day One." Four people sit at a table, including Tyra in the middle, and welcome their first Semi-finalist into the room: Elyse, age twenty, Albuquerque. She's a pixie-ish little thing, and...well, if you've ever wondered what my hair looks like (and, really, you haven't, but go with me here because I love Rudy's on Sunset and they don't need my help but I want to get them as much business as possible), I just got it cut on Saturday and it looks exactly like that. Down to the strand. It's like she stole it directly off my head. Which brings me to the part of the recap in which I pretend not to draw any correlation between wanton style theft and the fact that Elyse is totally the gelfling Middle-Earth Winona Ryder. She's totally the kind of girl I would have loved in junior high, because of the whole part of things where she looks like a boy. And she'd want to play doctor. Because she wants to be a doctor! She tells Tyra she doesn't think modeling is something she can do for her entire life, "whereas medicine is." She states the fortune-cookie logic that "medical school can be deferred indefinitely, whereas being twenty years old cannot." Everyone laughs uproariously at the existential foibles Father Time has inflicted upon the human race, while the Faust-like nature of Tyra's non-aging body puts into motion the ways in which she'd like to executive produce Dr. Smarty right on back to New Mexico.

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America's Next Top Model

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