America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wants To Step On The Pretty Flower

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Déjà Vu's a Bitch

In our first indicator that this is not a normal Top Model episode, we are greeted with shots of Tyra Banks scantily clad in frilly underthings in the Victoria's Secret runway show. I'm pretty sure they've shown this exact footage before. She voices over that being a top model is about more than being fierce on the runway or taking glamorous pictures. It's about humiliating yourself on a third-rate network in front of a nation, and screwing your chances for actual success in the fashion industry. Or, entering a whole new world. With new horizons to pursue. We see the winning moments from the past four seasons as Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, and Naima were crowned-slash-damned. Tyra tells us that, this season, thousands of girls applied. We see videos of several of the girls we know -- including Kyle, who looks sweet, and Jayla, who jumps on a trampoline in a bikini. Of course.

Only the "promising" girls, or the ones who included mention of a chronic illness/disability on their applications, were invited to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. We get a flash of Miss Ebony, who decrees that while some people have a dream to be brain surgeons, she was born to be a model. Don't get it twisted! Oh, I miss her. More semi-final footage, including Sarah stumbling on the runway, and redheaded Regina having her dreams crushed. Only thirteen girls made it to the finals, and we've grown to hate them each on her own unique grounds. Six girls remain: Kim, Lisa, Nicole, Bre, Jayla, and Nik. Tonight, we get a can't-miss episode full of mock-interviews, lesbian kisses, and more. We get to relive Sarah's catwalk catastrophes, Cassandra's really bad hair day, and also see some new footage including a tiff between Jayla and Kim. Well, who know about that!? We also get more advice from Janice! Yay! And we learn that Lisa is the same crazy ho we always thought she was. Pack it up, pack it in, let Top Model begin!

(And, as a note, I am not going to link back to past recaps as this episode reviews what already happened, because it would be way too much, and I'm sure I made all the same jokes the first time around.)

We begin the episode by traveling back in time, to when the final thirteen meet the two Jays and enjoyed a double-decker bus ride with Robin Leach. Despite the ubiquitous presence of erectile dysfunction medication in our culture, that is not a euphemism. Except maybe for Lisa. And, as a side note, I just took a look at the Viagra website, and they have a punch card where you get the seventh prescription free. Viagra: not that different from the burrito place I go to for lunch. The girls are introduced to their fabulous department store-style house, and Kyle makes a little comment that reminds me how pretty she was as a blonde. Sarah bounces on her new bed, and not for the last time, believe you me. The girls scream and squeal and talk about how perfect their place is, and there are numerous shots of photos of Tyra Banks, including one where she displays a mean-looking furrowed brow. It is not nearly as neanderthalish or wrinkly as Lisa's similar black and white shot of the last episode, however. Nik tells us she's glad Diane is her roommate. She says that they're quiet and they relax together, or they talk together. "We're quiet together" is such a ringing endorsement of friendship. Nik really is pretty boring. But Nik trusts Diane, who is not shady like some people who do not really sleep with a nightlight.

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America's Next Top Model

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