America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wins It All

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Viva La Diva!

Previously on America's Next Top Model: fourteen fame whores got the chance to pursue their dream of fame whoredom. Lots of squealing and screaming ensued. They roller-skated, they trafficked in live tarantulas, they jumped on trampolines, they wore pantyhose over their faces. They shoved each other and made empty threats of violence, they screamed when hag stylists pinched them, they were in denial about their snouts, but then they knew.

Eleven were eliminated, and three contenders now remain. There is Amanda, whose hypnotic ice-blue eyes captivated the judges, but also proved to be her most tragic feature. Because, in case you haven't heard, she's blind, kind of. Amanda's disability did not hold her back, however, and she consistently worked it like it was for sale and her final layaway payment on a miracle cure for retinitis pigmentosa was due tomorrow. Her "quirky" (read: butt-ugly, bespectacled, and oftentimes tacky) personal presence is in question, however, and may prove to be her downfall. Then there's Eva the Diva, who served it with a helping of fried attitude at casting. But she showed her inner layers throughout the season as her tough demeanor melted when, like, she got a paper cut. Boo hoo, Eva has feelings too! Because she's acting, people. Eva has to balance her natural spunk with the high-fashion grace of a top model, and also prove that short people do, in fact, have a reason to live. And finally, there's Yaya. Fucking Yaya. And this, I am going to quote verbatim from Tyra's voice-over: "Will it be Yaya, the Ivy League grad whose road to become top model had more than a few bumps on it?" Ha! Because of her pimples! Double ha! Apparently Yaya's consultation with the dermatologist helped to clear things up because, Tyra tells us, "With her skin trouble behind her, it was Yaya's natural beauty that started to break out." Ha! But she's still fucking Yaya, and sucks, and her victory would throw this country into pandemonium. So she'd better not win.

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America's Next Top Model

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