America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Wins It All

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Viva La Diva!

The ANTM judges -- including Ms. J. in full kimono regalia -- take their seats in the front row. Eva and Yaya get made up backstage. Eva says that she's nervous because a lot is riding on this. Tyra gives the girls a pep talk backstage. Jay talks into a little microphone as if he is directing the show. Which, come on, he is totally not. Commercials. I can hardly bear the suspense!

And now it's time for the very last Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week, starring a small orange man and a horsy foreign model.

[The setting is a salon. Techno music typically found in any gay disco underscores the action.]
Horsy Foreign Model: [as if she works] After work tomorrow, I have a party and just ten minutes to get ready!
Small Orange Man: [as if he knows anything about strategy] You need a makeup strategy. Go from day to evening by changing textures. A little shimmer powder on the cheeks or browbone will add a festive radiance.
HFM: [thankful for this mind-blowing makeup tip] Easy! Anything else?
SOM: [like you didn't know it was coming] Add a lip gloss in the evening, especially a shimmery one for the holiday look. Wetslicks lip gloss by Cover Girl has a lasting high-shine finish.
HFM: [hoping her lips don't get mistaken for the heavens] Like stars!
SOM: [thinking "only if Taye Diggs is underneath"] Bring on the mistletoe!

Tyra, I beg of you, please replace these with J. Alexander style tips in Cycle 4! I will never say anything mean about you or compare you to an alien ever again. Okay, that is a lie. But please do it anyway!

Runway time! Jay continues to pretend to be doing something. Drummers drum. The models line up. Yaya and Eva are nervous. Yaya is the first of the two on the runway. Janice screams, "Yeah!" Yaya says that walking out on the runway and feeling the people looking at her is exhilarating. Eva says that she likes to walk strong and serve it, but that this show did not allow her to do that. Eva notes that it's pandemonium backstage. Yaya walks again. Janice yells, "Yaya! Faster!" and Tyra shushes her. More Eva. Janice "whispers" to Nigel that it's perfect. For their final walk, Janice yells something encouraging to Yaya again. She is totally off the wagon. Jon Lovitz, for the love of God, stage an intervention! Yaya and Eva have to cross each other on the "b" shaped runway. The show tries to make us believe that there's a chance that the two will collide. I'm sorry, but they're going, like, .2 miles per hour. Stop trying to manufacture drama, UPN! What, you say? There'd be no show, then? Well, in that case, carry on. And, ahem, Yaya and Eva almost crashed! It was crazy! My heart truly skipped a beat on that one!

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America's Next Top Model

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